Rough Times are Upon Us, So Be Creative

                       Recession, depression, economic slowdown, rising unemployment, shortage of jobs… jingle- all- the-way. For most this holiday season there doesn’t seem to be much to celebrate. For small children that means less gifts but parents can easily blame that on Santa Claus. Everyone I speak to has told me that they are cutting back this year. No extravagant gifts bought on a credit card that will be paid off in three years costing four times the original cost. The holiday buzz this season is all about small intimate gifts thoughtfully purchased on Christmas Eve at the only Dollar Store in town still open after 6PM.

Here are some other options to keep in the holiday spirit without spending a lot of money:

The family can make their own gifts using only items found in the house. For instance scraps of wood, old curtains, expired prescription drugs, old electronic equipment, napalm, etc.  Unless you graduated from M.I.T it will probably be a piece of crap that everyone will say looks wonderful but will quickly wind up under the kitchen sink where it will dwell for all eternity.

Cutting down your own Christmas tree can be fun as well as inexpensive, especially if it’s from your neighbor’s front lawn. Teamwork and precision  are needed if the family is going to pull this off. I advise to use a pull saw gently sprayed down with WD-40 for smoother quieter strokes. If you don’t want to spend Christmas in jail then don’t use a chain saw. I learned from experience on this one. Apparently a very light sleeper can hear a chain saw cutting down a tree on his front lawn at 3AM. Who knew?

If you don’t have much food this season then Christmas Caroling is the answer to your problem. Depending on what neighborhood you live in until foreclosure most civilized people reward carolers with fresh baked cookies, egg nog, and sliced ham. Of course in some neighborhoods it may be a bullet, a bong hit, and a ransom note. Remember, the worse you sing the faster they want you off their porch, and the more food they will give you.

Go on tour! Take the whole family to visit distant relatives you haven’t seen, spoken to, or even thought about until right now. Old friends, your second grade teacher, the guy who was on the pay phone before you…everyone you can possibly think of. Just stop and say you were in the neighborhood and wanted to drop off a gift. Now the dollar store comes in handy doesn’t it? A well wrapped 99 cent item purchased at the Dollar Store can easily look like a $14.99 item purchased at Walmart. After giving your gift and you’re invited in…then call the wife and 6 kids. The family piles out of soon-to-be-repossed car and enjoys a perfect Christmas holiday visit with virtual strangers who are scrambling to find reciprocal gifts for the entire family. You do this four or five times on a Saturday and you’ve got yourself a real holiday my friend.

Find someone less fortunate than you and give them something purchased from the Dollar Store. Their apprieciation is the best gift of all. If they don’t show apprieciation than an old- fashioned family Christmas beat-down is in order. Remember it’s the holidays, no hitting in the face. Now have some fun!

Or, you can sit in your basement like a pathetic little troll and write a blog about being creative during the holidays and help others by giving them hope through ideas even though the ideas are moronic and in no way helps anyone but is more of an self-indulgent waste of time until you go to the gym and work out. This one worked for me, later.

Text Message This to a Friend

                              Text messaging today has become all the rage as nimble fingers fly across cell phone keyboards throughout the world. I don’t believe I’ve ever text messaged anyone before. I’m not sure I see the point in it. If you have a cell phone why not just leave a message on voice-mail? Seems easy enough to me. So why would anyone with normal human sized fingers type on a keyboard smaller than a Kit-Kat Bar? I needed to get some answers and I needed to get them fast so I began my research on the subject of text messaging, it’s origin, and where it is headed in the future. Below is the result of my research. If you’d like I can text message this blog to you. Honest, I don’t mind.

The First Text Message

The first text message was from God to Moses in the form of the Ten Commandments. I’m strictly going on the Charleton Heston movie version here as opposed to the Biblical version. When Moses came down from the mountain and saw his dedicated followers acting like Kid ‘n Play having a  House Party he was so enraged that he threw down the ten commandments and broke them into pieces. Thus was the death of the first text message and the birth of the first temper tantrum. Text messaging would not appear again for many centuries.

The Dark Ages of Text Messaging 

Text messaging reappeared in the seventies in the form of what was called a beeper. A beeper, as your grand-children may recall was a small black box with a window on it that displayed a phone number when someone called it. The beeper, much like today’s modern cell phones had it’s own phone number. When it beeped you could see who was calling and then call them back if you wanted. Some numbers look like letters when you hold them upside down. A few people figured out that you could send small crude messages using this knowledge. They were known as drug dealers. Beeper technology today is only used at restaurants to let you know that your table is ready.

The Crossover Years 

In the eighties cell phones either came in a suitcase and looked like you could set off a nuke from them or they were the size of an iron with a retractable antenna that was a foot long. Only important people had them. And drug dealers. In the next ten years the cell phone would reduce in physical size many times before it arrived at it’s present size of small and cute . During this transition period many people had both a beeper, now referred to as a pager, and cell phone. As a bouncer for may years I recall nothing being more attractive than a semi-overweight big haired Jersey girl with a purple beeper attached to her hip while wearing a half shirt that caused her to gently lift her hip roll to see the screen when someone paged her. On the male side of the coin having a cell phone or pager on your belt was a symbol of self importance and an acknowledgement that someone, somewhere knew that you indeed existed.  Some even had two pagers and one cell phone on the same belt. They were known as Batman…or computer network engineers (techno-nerds)…or drug dealers. The two pager, one cell phone guy was one of the loneliest men on the planet. Since he never went out except for work and the porn shop on the corner the two pager, one cell phone guy never procreated and the breed died off somewhere in the late nineties. I hear The Museum Of Natural History has a fully preserved one on display with a working pager that they call once every hour. People gather around it and wait an hour just to hear it beep again. It is the Old- Faithful geyser of our generation.

Texting Today

Our cell phones are compact and personalized with built in cameras, music, GPS, text messaging, a compass, Internet access, videos, and on some of the better models you can actually make a phone call. I see a lot of people text messaging as opposed to speaking directly with someone and so I went aroung and asked why. Here are the responses I received:

” Get away from me you asshole . Can’t you see I’m text messaging?”

” Umm, I don’t know. It’s like me and my BFF’s started doing it, and like, I don’t know, It’s like, you know, OMG, why are you asking me this?”

” Sometimes I don’t want to talk so I just TM someone and they can read it anytime they want. It’s also easy to get away with while you’re supposed to be working. Talking on a cell phone is obvious. When you text message it’s private and if you hide it well you can easily get away with it anywhere.  I text message during meetings, while talking to someone on the phone, on the toilet and during foreplay. By the way I’m looking for a new job, my wife is leaving me, and I can no longer go to the bathroom without my cell phone. Are you hiring? Can I text message you my resume?”

” I like reading so I like getting text messages. Books are boring, at least a text message is to you and not the whole world. It’s kind of like a Hallmark card or something that you get from a friend. That’s $12.94. Do you want any taco sauce with that?”

“I’m a professional businessman and I use it for certain transactions.” “Do you want to buy some drugs?”

The Future of the Text Message

I’m certain that text messaging is just the beginning of this phenomenon and that it’s evolution will bring about the fall of mankind as we know it today. It will all begin to unravel with a text message that was never meant to be seen, and should never a have been sent. Gossip is merely here-say with little or no validation. A text message is a permanent technological tattoo on the ass cheek of cyberspace. Suspended somewhere out there in the timeless void is a villainous text message floating around  like the three master criminals from Superman II just waiting to be released to wreak havoc. It could be something as simple as an off-color remark texted by a Russian Diplomat in Beijing to his mistress in Bulgaria that the Chinese Premier’s breath smells like Bruce Lee’s jockstrap that sets off World War III. It can get that ugly, that fast.

With reports of car crashes, train wrecks, plane crashes and an ice cream cone that got away from a little girl while texting at a family picnic it won’t be long before text messaging will be replaced by something else new and unique…like talking. Technology is like fashion and what is old becomes new again. I will admit that watching someone text message in public is not nearly as annoying as listening to them talk on their blue tooth at a check out register or while walking around a store.

Remember when the sirens are blaring, the bombs are falling, and the serious crap is hitting the heartland, you heard it here first. Text message that.

The Death of Harvey Houtkin: On the Road with The Bandit Part 3

                    In between business trips with Harvey we would usually be back in the office in Montvale, New Jersey. Harvey was strategically placed in the corner office on the second floor. He would usually sit at his desk facing away from the door and whomever would wander into his office. He had set up three monitors behind his desk to watch the market and would often have detailed conversations with people while only occasionally looking up at them. His door was rarely closed and anyone could and often would just walk in and talk to Harvey. He enjoyed the company and as long as you understood that he was going to be trading while talking to you then he never seemed to mind visitors. If the market got crazy he would graciously excuse himself and tell the person that he needed to concentrate for a little while.

                 I walked into Harvey’s office to show him an ad I was working on for Investor’s Business Daily. As usual he felt it was to subtle and he made some changes. I told him that it wasn’t going to fly with Linda Lerner, All-Tech’s general counsel, a brilliant and feisty woman with an incredible knowledge of the brokerage industry. “Fuck her,” was his usual response when I brought up her forthcoming rejection of the ad. On this particular Friday in August Harvey had far more important things on his mind and he quickly tossed the ad on his desk demonstrating once again that he had the attention span of a Tic-Tac and said, “Let’s go”, as he got up and headed for the office door. “Where are we going,” I asked as if it mattered since I was already right behind him. “I have to pick something up”, he responded as he headed down the stairs and out into the bright sunlight and a scorching  August heatwave in northern New Jersey. He had borrowed a little red pick-up truck that belonged to one of the staff at his estate.

                  He drove to a house in Saddle River, a cozy affluent community and onetime home of former President Richard Nixon. A woman in her sixties was in the garage as we drove into the driveway. Harvey said hello and told me to take an end of what could only be described as one of the ugliest couches I’ve ever seen. It was shiny dark gold cloth with images of the Liberty Bell and script from the Declaration of Independence superimposed all over it. We loaded it on the truck sideways across the truck bed. Harvey had of course brought no rope or cords. That is why I was there. To hold it. He haggled with the woman on the pre-agreed upon price and as usual got his way. When he got in the truck he handed me a two foot wide by one foot high American Eagle made of pennies and dimes glued together and mounted on a wooden oval plaque. “I paid five bucks for this,” he said proudly. “There’s at least twenty dollars worth of coins on this thing”, he went on justifying his ridiculous purchase. “I got the couch for fifty bucks and she threw in a lamp for free,” he continued. “Great”, I said. “Where are you going to put all of this crap”? “In the office,” he responded as if I should have known that he would bring junk a homeless person wouldn’t sleep on to our tastefully decorated corporate office. “Mark Shefts was going to crap a cow when he see this junk,” I thought.

                The couch started sliding the second we pulled out of the driveway. I was holding one corner with my outstretched arm as Harvey drove and held the other end as we drove back to the office. On the way he told me that he had agreed upon a price of a hundred dollars but told the woman he only had fifty on him knowing that she was moving that day and had to get rid of the couch. She was a recent widow he told me. I told him that he was going to hell and now he had the furniture to go with him. He just laughed as we stopped in Shop-Rite because Pepsi was on sale and he had coupons.

                      Harvey came up to the register with ten cases of Pepsi and his coupon. The coupon was only good for two cases. Harvey immediately began negotiating with the pimple-faced teenager behind the register who was clearly getting very nervous as Harvey attacked relentlessly with dialogue not fit for the young and innocent. A manager overheard the commotion and came over to assist. Harvey told him that he fed the homeless and he needed ten cases of Pepsi. Not only did he get the ten cases the manager scanned his employee card and Harvey got another twenty percent off. He was in his glory.

                    When we got back to the office it was already after hours so the place was empty when we brought in the furniture and set it up in the waiting room. After seeing the lamp the couch is now the second ugliest piece of furnitue I’ve ever seen. We hanged the eagle coin plaque above the couch which rounded out the room as a total disatser and completely inappropriate for the office. Harvey of course loved it. I couldn’t wait until Monday when people saw it. It looked like the dark waiting room of a 1930’s politician with bad taste and a lust for Asian prostitutes. It was hideous.

TV Evangelists: DJ Pastor and The Funky Bunch

                  TV Evangelists are all over the airwaves these days which is fine by me because in what the future will call the Dark Ages II we need these sobbing degenerates more than ever. The economy is lying in a ditch off Route 295 with a self-inflicted gunshot wound to the head. The rich are jobless, the middle class are homeless, and the homeless are laughing their dirty asses all the way to the soup kitchen. In the midst of all this anger and mistrust it’s comforting that we can all look to the best dressed of God’s Little Rascals to start the healing and ease the suffering.

                   There have been some tough times for the Lost Bible Boys in the past. When reminded of their scandoulous reputation they quickly pull the Catholic Priest sex scandal card and harshly throw it right in your face. They have a valid point since the Catholic Church was rocked by several major lawsuits in 2001 alleging that priests had sexually abused minors. Some priests resigned, others were defrocked or jailed, some received counseling and continued to preach from the sexual predator pulpit. Financial settlements totaling in hundreds of millions of dollars were made with many victims not to mention the dubious honor of having your church listed on the Meaghans Law website.   

                With techno-salvation just a TV remote click away, going to church has never been more convenient. No more dressing up in your Sunday best and dragging the family out the door to sit in a hot stuffy room on benches so uncomfortable you actually considered converting to Paganism a few times. Now you can lay on the couch in your Sunday best underwear drinking beer and eating nachos while you worship the lord until the football game comes on. 

                  Joel Osteen’s Lakewood Church in Houston now occupies the arena previously home to the Houston Rockets. In 2007, Osteen reported spending nearly $30 million every year on its television ministry. You need an awful lot of donations to keep running that kind of circus. At some point you may feel a little guilty for getting the word of the lord for free and want to respond to the many calls for pledges.  Remember that it’s TV, they can’t see you. They’ll never know. Or will they?  If you want to play it safe send them a few bucks, after all these guys are spending hours in make-up to look great on the frontlines of the war against Satan on your behalf. We should all feel a litte safer knowing that they are there for us…living in mansions so beautiful they could be featured on MTV Cribs.

The Death of Reality

                    I haven’t posted for a while so here are the updates on the important issues you should know!I have the freaking flu. I’m sure it’s not terminal but it certainly feels like it is. No, that’s not the important issue. It’s just a statement of my current condition. This blog is being written under the influence of Theraflu, Tylenol Severe Cold Medicine, and some green gel pill that’s either for head congestion or heart worms for the dog. Either way I feel like I’m protected on all fronts against this the deadliest of all diseases. Don’t forget that 21.5 million people died as a result of the 1918-1919 flu pandemic. Does the flu get a telethon or a big celebrity spokesperson? Nope. It doesn’t even get a glass jar on a drug store counter with a picture of some poor lazy-eyed kid with snot dripping from his nose to his mouth asking for donations to help fight the flu. Okay, I’m a wimp. 

                    I’m usually always on the go so being sick gives me a chance to sit back and watch TV or rent a DVD. I know that theirs a lot of reality shows on TV but I never noticed how many people are willing to completely humiliate themselves on such a wide scale. The collective need to be on television is overwhelming. I’m not talking about the anger-eating, foul smelling, wife beating, stone washed, inbred amphetamine addicts like on Jerry Springer. I’m referring to regular people just like you and me. Well,… just like me. I don’t technically know everyone who reads this blog so I can’t verify your character.

                          If it’s not an insider’s view of celebrity’s unrehersed real lives it’s pretentious staged human drama with all the pauses, retakes, edits and dubs of an Austin Power’s movie. Here are reviews of some of the shows I’ve watched over the last few days.

Kimora: Life in the FAT FAB Lane.

Was a model…blah,blah,blah…married Russel $immons…blah,blah,blah…now runs fashion empire based on her FABULOUS image and being FAT PHAT. So we get Baby Phat Fashions where she gets input from her young daughters on what little girls want to wear. Apparently little girls want to dress like Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz, Punky Brewster, and Blossom all hopped up on Fruity Pebbles and Gummi Bears. She bosses her staff around like they are kennel dogs while making the most ridiculous demands of them while they take it like Desperate Housewives. Pleasing Kimora is the most important thing in their lives. Being pleased and being fabulous is the most important thing in Kimora’s life and the basis of the whole show. According to Kimora, being fabulous is not just about the jewelry, make-up, clothes, money, party’s, and status…it’s about feeling fabulous whomever you are. I have never felt less fabulous than I do right now.

Brooke Knows Best

Should be called Brooke Knows Nothing. I could only stomach a few minutes of this one. It is a spin-off of her her family’s reality show Hogan Know’s Best  which ran until her parent’s broke up, followed by her brother’s arrest, and her mother’s much publiczed dating of a 19 year old. Of course none of that  reality was ever filmed. Now Brooke is on her own and uh…doing something…or something…and, um, that’s pretty much it. Saving and then pro-creating from a mindless sliver of Hogan Know’s Best is like saving a sample of Hitler’s stem-cell to create future abominations to mankind. Um, I didn’t like it.

Gene Simmons Family Jewels

I actually like this show. I think Gene Simmons is very likable and is both aware of his current staus as a superstar without forgetting that he’s still just a Jewish kid from Brooklyn. All in all it’s a pretty cool show and you get the feeling that the reality is as real as real can get for a reality show. Say that three time fast. I’ve now got a headache to go with my flu.

Young Boys in America: Oversensitive and Underworked

                  Parents can no longer count on school for the emotional development of their sons. In a foam covered world of lollipop dreams and chocolate streams where no one skins a knee our young boys are being over-sensitized and under-challenged. I see it every day in my young male students. They come to me clinging on their mothers leg so tightly we have to have some of them surgically removed. It’s a simple procedure. One day surgery…in and out but not covered by most insurance since I’m not a licensed or trained surgeon.

                    Here are a few tips for Parents to help Toughen Up their sons. This also works for daughters and most pets.

1. “Pick me up” and “Carry me” are out after 2 1/2 years of age. When you take your first step…get used to it and keep on walking. I see so many parents holding 3 and 4 year olds simply because they want to be picked up. The answer is no. If you whine or complain you will be punished. An average 3 or 4 year old is heavy and there is no reason for them to be held like a baby while your back slowly disintegrates and you see the signs of osteoporosis in your early thirties. 

2. No means no. Get used to it.

3. Go outside and play. The backyard, the front yard, a neighbors yard, a school yard, Scotland Yard, etc. 

4. No baby voices anymore. There is nothing more annoying than a six year old boy who uses baby voices or high shrilling squeals that have every dog in the neighborhood humping a pillow or hiding under a bed. Use your big boy voice now.

5. Allow your sons to enjoy the following experiences that every young boy should know…skimming rocks in a lake…riding a go-cart…climb a ladder…swim in the deep end…roll down a hill…sleigh riding…run with the bulls in Spain…have a dog (no, cats don’t count)…learn a cool instrument( no, clarinet doesn’t count)…hold a dead bird…shoot a BB rifle (no, that’s not how the bird died. It was just on the ground when we got there. Really)…hiking( no, not carrying him hiking)…build something…drop chocolate covered cherries off a roof in NYC…get dirty…walk in the rain…have chores (real chores, struggle builds character, do you want him living in your basement when he is 40 while you still cut the crust off his bread?)…take martial arts classes…have a pocket knife( no, that’s not how the bird died either. It was like that when we got there. I swear.)…save your own money for the toy you want…and lastly, rough it up like a boy should.

The Simple Solution: I’m Just a Bill

                      There is no good news on the television. The radio is all bad and newspapers are unfit for reading or wrapping fish. People are getting more desperate for solutions as bureaucrats look for someone to blame followed by  a first class public hanging. There is talk of a global recession that will negatively affect corporate earnings and lead to massive job losses. I’d say it’s a good thing its just talk or everyone would panic and fulfill the media’s prophecy of doom and gloom but that ship of fools has already left the crazy peer.

                  It seems that most of the media is more concerned in inciting bad news than they are at reporting actual news in an unbiased fashion. Many of the problems facing this country today can be traced back to speculative reporting based on soft information from ”unnamed” sources creatively edited to make a newscast look like an MTV video. I miss the good old days before color TV when my TV was in black and white and so were the facts on the news. The newscasters weren’t playing for the camera and sucking up for Emmys, they were reporting the facts. Today the news has become more entertainment than factual reporting.

                  It is so blatantly obvious that most of the media is backing Obama when they attack McCain and Palin like rabid dog packs at every opportunity that I find it necessary to peel back the skin on this one and expose the culprits. Why does the media care so much about who is our next President? There will always be news to report no matter who wins the election, right? So why the push? If you listen to conservative talk show hosts like Rush Limbaugh, Laura Ingraham, or Sean Hannity it is because the liberal media wants to divide the masses and create conflict. They must think the liberal media is smarter than I do because I don’t think they could conceive of such a master plan much less implement it.  In rebuttal the liberal media claims that the right wing conservative media paints their own velvet Elvis picture of the news on behalf of conservatism and the Republican Party. So how do you know if what the media is reporting is truthful and accurate? You don’t and it isn’t. You need to do the work and find out for yourself what is right rather than who thinks they are right. By the way, I know that I am right on this. But don’t take my word for it. But I’m right anyway. The media hasn’t changed since the days of Washington, Adams and Jefferson. The media has always been courted by candidates and political partys alike and has always historically swayed one way or the other in it support and reporting.

                  It has been said that the truth lies somewhere between fact and fiction. I don’t see a lot of truthfulness coming out of Washington these days. People are trying spin a name on all of the bad karma that is affecting this country. Are we as a nation just having a bad year? Could we all be just having some bad luck? I don’t think so. Poor decisions accompanied by the urgency and foresight of a blind Koala bear were made by our elected leaders. Government spending is out of control and someone needs to take the national credit card and cut it in half before the Senators Gone Wild  video hits the market early next year. 

                Like I said people are trying to put a name on the horrible economy, a questionable fuel source for the future, terrorism, ongoing conflicts in Iraq and Afghanistan, unemployment and health care costs. I’ve been trying myself to come up with just one word that describes the current state of affairs and how to reverse it. The word I came up with is: Simplify. All of it. Your life, the government, foreign policy, banking, the markets, fuel consumption, everything.

                       When you get lost you go back to the last place that you remember before you took the wrong turn. We need to step back a little and remember what is important and how we became a great country in the first place. I know most people will probably argue that simplifying is a generalised and childlike response to a vortex of complex problems that someone like me couldn’t even begin to understand. I disagree, a word like “Change” which is the cornerstone of Obama’s campaign is a generalised response. Throwing a tantrum is a childlike response and everyone in the country with a fourth grade education should be able to understand how things work in Washington. I learned about our Government by one of the greatest institutions in our country. I still stand by the simple message of this song: I hope it moves you like it moves me.

I’m just a bill.
Yes, I’m only a bill.
And I’m sitting here on Capitol Hill.
Well, it’s a long, long journey
To the capital city.
It’s a long, long wait
While I’m sitting in committee,
But I know I’ll be a law some day
At least I hope and pray that I will
But today I am still just a bill.

I’m just a bill
Yes I’m only a bill,
And I got as far as Capitol Hill.
Well, now I’m stuck in committee
And I’ll sit here and wait
While a few key Congressmen discuss and debate
Whether they should let me be a law.
How I hope and pray that they will,
But today I am still just a bill.

I’m just a bill
Yes, I’m only a bill
And if they vote for me on Capitol Hill
Well, then I’m off to the White House
Where I’ll wait in a line
With a lot of other bills
For the president to sign
And if he signs me, then I’ll be a law.
How I hope and pray that he will,
But today I am still just a bill.
Courtesy of Schoolhouse Rock

Thoughts on a Wednesday Morning

Wednesday, October 22, 2008   

                     It wasn’t the phone ringing that woke me up. I had been up for hours working on some signs for my new academy. Only an emergency or insane person calls at 7AM and I wasn’t in the mood for either so I let the machine do it’s job. Besides I was working. Before I went downstairs to my workshop and fortress of solitude I noticed that the fog was laying heavy over the mountains like a frosted blanket. I walked outside and breathed in air that simply stated it was fall in northeastern Pennsylvania. The older you get the faster the seasons seem to pass. When I was a kid summer seemed to drag on longer than a slide show at a nursing home. Now it seems that every season passes onto the next with little or no warning or expectation.

                      For me the beginning of fall is always a time for introspection. I’m not sure what it is about the season but it always makes me feel vibrant and alive. The smell of fireplaces aimlessly drifting through the air on a cold morning reminds me of a simpler time and place. The more I hear people complaining about the economy and general state off the nation the more I want to be outside reminding myself of what I’m working for in the first place. In one way or another we’re always looking for answers for life’s endless accumulation of problems. Whether it’s money, relationships, work, or unfulfilled expectations everyday brings with it the challenge of solving something wrong in our lives. We’ve always been told it’s important to start everyday with a good breakfast. I believe that’s it’s also important to start every day by going outside and either enjoying nature,… or killing it if you’re a hunter. What can I say? Its Pennsylvania. They like to kill things here. But at least they do it outside. I hear mom’s yelling all the time in my neighborhood, “No killing in the house…go outside and kill”.

               I find that performing a morning chore outside stimulates my thought process and I begin analyzing what problems I have to solve and how I can positively go about solving at least some of them. My morning chores are usually where I get some of my ideas for these blogs. For instance this morning I restacked my woodpile and came up with the following ideas…some good for humanity, others just good for me. It’s my woodpile!

1. If economy doesn’t get better, get job with no chance for advancement and therefore no pressure.
2. Great idea for McCain slogan to cinch the victory “Vote for John McCain…If You were Running For President He’d Vote For You”
3. Watched as family of field mice scurried away to safety from under the woodpile and was instantly envious of their simple happy lives. Except the slow one. I stepped on him.
4. Continue to develop Tupperware Coffin idea. One hole, stack the whole family.
5. I’m going target shooting on Friday so I need to decide what guns to bring. Do I bring the GLOCK 23 which looks great with my black cargo pants and an orange sweater or do I bring the H & K  which compliments a gray turtleneck and khaki pants? I was going to bring the Beretta but I don’t have a nice pair of Italian slip ons so I’d just look ridiculous.
6. China just wants to kill children don’t they? First it was lead based paint on toys for American kids and now its tainted milk for their own children. We get it. You don’t like kids. How many kids can Brad and Angelina adopt? They can’t do it all by themselves. We all need to pitch in and get ourselves a cute little Chinese baby before the Chinese government kills them all. We’re going to go from “Gichie Gichie Goo” to “Gichie Gichie Goo Gai Pan” in just no time.  
7. While I’m out here cutting wood on a frosty morning basking in the glory of nature some rich Manahttan lawyer is watching his electric faux fireplace sipping imported coffee while waiting for his personal trainer to arrive. I wish I was him.   

Confusing Times for the Commoner Elite

                   The economy sucks. The upcoming election has been reduced to nothing more than a beauty pageant and people are genuinely worried about the future. I myself, well I’m more worried about the present. We are living in confusing times brought about by our desire of ownership and habitual quest of happiness through the accumulation of objects that either entertain us or make our lives easier. I hear people talking politics and the economy almost everywhere I go. Not the types who usually annoy others with their overstated views and attempted witty commentary (yeah, I mean me) but people I meet in the store, students, parents, friends, hikers, and one of my dogs. The level of involvement is staggering. Most of the people I’ve spoken with do not like either candidate. The general consensus is that it really doesn’t matter who wins because let’s face it folks the system has become a never-ending toilet flush that is draining the pockets of the American citizen and nobody cares whether it is McCain or Obama captaining the little Tidy Bowl boat.

                   Obama talks about “change”. If he is referring to what’s in my pocket than he’s correct but other than that it’s just a hollow word thrown about by politicians like pillows at a Condaleeza Rice slumber party to inspire people that they are the ones who can bring it about. I think Obama is right about change, but I don’t think he is the one to make it happen. McCain isn’t either. I am. You are. We all are. Waiting for a politician to actually make something happen in Washington is like waiting in line for a Latte at a Starbucks that went out of business six months ago.  I have said it before but our political system’s lack of forsight and action can be paraphrased into” what’s best for the party is more important than what’s best for the people and who is right is more important that what is right”.

                     So how do we bring about change? Well talking about it is a start but talk is cheap…actually it’s the only thing that is still cheap. Change begins with us personally and procrastination is not an option in these heartless times. Below are just some quick ideas on how you can affect change in your personal life that will trigger a better economy.

1. Don’t use the American Express card to Pay the VISA card to pay the MASTERCARD to pay the DISCOVER card to pay the American Express card.

2. Try to look on the bright side of things and stay optimistic. Think of forclosure as an opportunity to dump that tired old American Dream that has been weighing you down like a backpack full of bobcats and embrace the easy living of never having to work on the property again. Having the landlord upstairs could be lots of fun. MisterRoeper  always seemed like he was very nice.

3. Have a garage sale. Get rid of your crap by selling it to others so they can make it their crap. Buying and selling used items to each other stimulates the economy by keeping your money out if it. Bartering for services is also becoming more commonplace. My friend’s wife volunteers at a local swim club teaching lessons so that her daughter can train for free and she makes a few bucks as well.

4. Do without. Before you buy it ask yourself if you really need it of just want it. Learning to control your buying impulses can be difficult. I myself am an impulse buyer. If I see it and I want it, I buy it. I now have a lot of impulse crap for my garage sale.

5. Think of ways to to make extra income. For instance I recently heard an ad on the radio about selling Plasma where you can make as much as $200.00 per month. If you get a family of five together on board that’s an extra $1,000 per month plus you get to spend more time together as a family enjoying juice and a cookie twice a week.

6. If you have children fire the landscaper, pool man, driveway sealer, tree cutter, roofer and exterminator. Children are natural little workers when you make everything a game. For example raking the leaves was always one of my least favorite chores to do growing up but my dad always made it a game. The rules of the game were If I didn’t rake the leaves in a certain amount of time I couldn’t go out and play for the rest of the day. Looking back now It wasn’t much of a fun game but I always got it done in time. Having the family seal the driveway together can be lot’s of fun, especially if someone starts a hot tar fight.

7. Vote independent for Ralph Nader. I mean he’s run so many times…come on throw him a bone. At least let him debate with Barrack Obama and John McCain to see what he has to say. People may be surprised and a viable third candidate may be thrust upon the campaign scene. Or he could just be another nut in the jar.

8. Engage in activities that don’t cost money or you can actually utilize your past impulse purchases. Hiking, putting your boat in the water, using your ATV, Kayaking, lighting fires…bonfires I mean, board games, living room wrestling matches, etc.

                   I think it’s important that we now examine how we have lived our lives and take accountability for our excesses. Luxury is addicting and most of us have confused luxury for comfort. We are minimalistic by standards for survival yet feel as if we can’t live without our cell phones, cars, and televisions. These are confusing times that will require great personal insight for each of us to find where we will fit into this rapidly changing world where having too much may be your weakness and downfall.

Ranting Away on the Thin Ice of a New Day

               It’s been a while since my last blog. I’ve been working on a project which has taken me away from writing but now I’m back…with a vengeance! Their are so many things annoying me at this time I don’t even know where  to begin. I’ve been trying to write more diverse blogs but every once in a while you have to go back to your roots and rant like a psychotic ferret whose been poked continuously with a stick by his owner’s satanic chocolate-milk faced four-year old brother.

The Bailout

                            First off, the bailout for Wall Street. Not good. Not good at all. Forgive me since I possess the math skills of a imbecile but aren’t the guys on Wall Street supposed to be financial experts? And again, forgive my stupidity but isn’t the government running at a 9 billion dollar deficit? Okay, here is where I get lost but doesn’t it seem like we have Potsie helping Ralph Malph here? For years Wall Street brokerage firms run by notorious greed mongers have been quietly accumulating large repackaged mortgages in bulk like a soccer mom at a COSCO. Loans that were force fed through the system by praying on the weak by dangling the great American dream. The only problem is the great American dream came with a balloon payment and an adjustable rate mortgage. Usually money flows up the river and crap flows down. This reversal of fortune and crap perpetrated by the unpoliced elite caused a crash that has sent a ripple effect throughout financial markets worldwide. That’s a lot of crap…and this bailout package will give us all an opportunity to eat some.  

The Palin – Biden Debate

                 There was a debate? Last week? Oh yeah Palin versus Biden. Missed it. I was busy running my  business in this horrible economy. I’m so burnt out from watching campaign ads for the last two years that I actually look forward to the genital herpes ads. Pharmaceutical ads are cool too. I only wish they would tell you what the drug is for.They present you with this wonderful image of someone living life to it’s fullest in a convertible by the beach that makes your life look like a one-light trailer park by the 7-11 in comparison and then leave you hanging with that, “Ask you doctor about…” nonsense. I don’t care that side effects may include nausea, vomiting, sleeplessness, drowsiness, sneezing, loss of appetite, weight gain, erectile dysfunction, weight loss, hair loss, blindness, open sores, kidney and or liver failure, temporary or permanent loss of taste and smell, and temporary and or permanent loss of breathing…I want some!

                  Oh, yeah the debate. I missed it. My interest in politics is as strong as ever but my interest in this election is wavering. I don’t care for either candidate much and therefore find it difficult to sustain a prolonged interest in the race. I’ve said it before but I truly feel that the current system of government in this country is so stifled by party politics that neither candidate is strong enough to affect any real change. They will both inevitably, play ball. I haven’t seen any real change in government in my lifetime. I don’t see any statesmen of character like a Lincoln or Jefferson. Our history books in school haven’t changed much since I was a kid. I don’t hear any kids running home excited about learning about Bill Clinton and asking their mother what a humidor is for. Before anyone goes pointing the anarchy finger at me…hey wait, that was the middle finger. Not cool. I’m choosing to be politically indifferent at this time in order to affect change in my own little world. Who knows, some day I may emerge from my self imposed cocoon of political indifference as a bright new butterfly of hope for all mankind…but for right now the system is circling the drain and I’m swimming for the toilet seat.

The McCain – Obama Debate Last Night

                       Again, I’m not seeing much substance in these debates. Both candidates fielded questions in such a roundabout convoluted fashion that you had to really listen hard to find a legitimate answer squeak through somewhere. They both took opportunities to divert from desired answers to point out either their strengths or their adversary’s weaknesses. To me it seemed like a girl scout fight in a cookie factory with little swipes and scratches but nobody drawing any real blood. I’ve had tougher debates with six year-olds as to whether RAZZLES is a candy or a gum.

                 All of these politicians with hollow messages of hope and change are as interchangeable as my iPOD playlists and that is why the American voter is more frustrated than a choking victim at an armless vet convention. More and more Americans are becoming disinterested in politics, especially in a bad economy. It doesn’t make people feel warm and fuzzy to hear that Obama raised 30 million dollars in one month for advertising on television when most people can’t even pay their cable bill to watch the stupid ads.  

                  The best part of the debates are always when the camera pans to observe the facial reactions of the candidate when the other guy is speaking. They both smiled when they obviously disagreed with the other’s statement. No head nodding, rolling of the eyes, or contorting facial expressions like they smell dog poop on the bottom of their shoe. Just a cool calculated smile that said, ” You’re a damn liar. I never said that. I hope you die”.

                  I would personally like to see a “tag-team” debate with McCain and Palin versus Obama and Biden. The debate would be followed by a cage fighting match. I see Palin standing in the cage with a Stepford Wife blank look on her face but when the bell rings watch out for the Caribou fur to fly as she immediately goes for a takedown on Obama as Biden and McCain square off in the middle and thumb wrestle.

The Fall of The Mighty

                    Due to the current state of the economy a few of my more affluent friends are gradually slidng down the social banister into the burgeoning middle class. They are good people who lived well but weren’t the type to throw it in your face. They didn’t float around in their dollar sign shaped pool filled with Evian while the staff served them fruity drinks and melon slices…also shaped like dollars signs. They are hard working people who have done well for themselves but now find it necessary to downsize their lifestyle and make drastic changes. This is a time that truly challenges a family and tests it’s strength. Some people may feel a little vindicated when they see someone fall from a higher financial status than them. It helps with the excuse process i suppose. I personally don’t like to see someone that I know hit with hard times even if they have enjoyed the spoils of life for a long time. In times of need it is better to give someone a leg up than to cut a leg off. Better times are coming.

Peace out!