MMAM (Mixed Martial Arts Misunderstood)

I was listening to The Bob Grant show on WABC Talk Radio last night and heard a few of the call in listeners speak out about mixed martial arts competition and specifically the UFC (Ultimate Fighting Championship). Words like barbaric, senseless, and violent were throw at Bob Grant who has never even heard about this type of competition. He pledged to take a look at it and then give his opinion on a future show. I think I will give my opinion right now. It was nice that the so-called men who called in and bashed this type of combative competition took time away from their yoga and Pilate’s classes to discuss something they have never done. The physical male is rapidly becoming extinct in favor of the intellectual male. I see it in young boys, teenagers and grown men who are viewed as real men because they aren’t afraid to break down and cry.  

Most of the combative athletes participating in mixed martial arts competition are college educated, well spoken and articulate. They enjoy the competitive aspect of combining different fighting arts and styles into their own unique hybrid system. Competitions like the UFC allow them to test and hone their skills. Sure it can look violent to the untrained eye and cowering psuedointellectuals who called in to the radio show last night. This type of combative competition is not for dummies or thugs. It is a highly evolved form of combat training that requires the athletes have intelligence as well as physical ability. Knowledge of physics, geometry, kineseology, balance, weight distribution, angles, weak and vulnerable points of the body, and strategy are required. Speed, strength, and endurance are only a part of the training.

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder…so is violence. War is violent…so is The Animal Channel. The pencil pushing guy who went from being the last one picked for kickball in grade school to being shoved in a locker in high school and finally finding his own personal Nirvana sitting at a Starbucks with his laptop open because he has the physical confidence of a house plant watches the Animal Channel with his ten year old son. They watch as the beautiful Caribou’s eyes are still open as the fourth lioness bites into it’s hind quarter flesh pulling the graceful animal out of the river bank. Very intelligent indeed. Good wholesome family fun.

You take that same man and put him into a life or death situation where he may be called upon to “man up” to save his family and he will fold like a lawn chair into the fetal position after peeing in his pants and breaking down and crying. A combative athlete would come in handy right about now wouldn’t he? These are the same people who claim cops use unjustifiable force when apprehending dangerous criminals. That’s fine. The next time you’re being assaulted or your house is being broken into call a lawyer instead of 911. Or just use your intellectual prowess and deductive reasoning skills. Intelligence will always overcome strength and brutality right? Wrong. Back in the locker with you smart guy.

Someone Give the Kid a Freaking Dog

I saw Ellen Degeneres’s emotional breakdown and tearful request that the little dog that she and her lifemate Portia DiRossi adopted from a rescue shelter and then gave away to her hair stylists daughter be given back to the little girl. This is just another example of how people in Hollywood use their status to circumvent the same laws that you and I are required to follow. They knew the rules before adopting the dog. They broke them and the dog was taken. The blame for the little girl’s heartbreak should not go to the woman who runs the not-for-profit shelter it should go to DeGeneres and DiRossi.

DeGeneres and DiRossi should have called the shelter and asked them if the dog can be transferred to another owner or should it be brought back and have the little girl there to adopt it at that time.

Dogs end up in shelters in the first place because of people like DeGeneres and DiRossi who get a dog and then find out that they don’t have time for it as in this case. They might as well have hired Michael Vick to dog sit.

Teachers

I think teaching is one of the most noble professions in the world.  When someone decides to dedicate their life to teaching they are making a great sacrifice for their art. Teachers are artists. Their students are the canvas’s on which they paint with words, passion, visual stimulants and discipline. To teach means more than to lecture or explain before a classroom full of students. The best teachers influence their students more when they take the time to learn on a personal level the individual personalities and needs of each of their students. Teaching is a hands on profession, not a sideline job. Good teachers roll up their sleeves and get in the mud with their students. Mediocre teachers sit in the notorious teachers lounge and piss and moan about the “fact” that students are largely unmotivated, unwilling protein based lifeforms taking up their time and undermining some of their best performances. Again, taking time to get to know each student will help. Young students today are likely to be apprehensive about traditional classroom techniques such as paper and pencil work and “book learning”. They are often uncomfortable with formality. They are often lacking study skills. They are often struggling at home, with friendships, increasing responsibilities and their own perceived personal limitations. If any teacher expects all of that baggage to simply disappear during their forty-five minute class then they better be prepared to take it to the next level.

When I was a kid only the teachers with a fun and unique teaching style kept me interested. It wasn’t usually the subject matter, it was the presentation of the subject that sparked my interest. I was always horrible in math and to this day still remain just as bad as when I was in school. I never had a math teacher that made learning “his” subject interesting for me. To make things worse my freshman year of high school I sat next to a girl who’s chest had all of a sudden grown to epic proportions and needed to actually sit on her desk like two  Persian cats. I never had a chance. That year of math was a complete blur for me. Perhaps the right teacher could have kept my interest and I would not have spent so much time thinking about Mount Rushmore sitting next to me. Actually even a good teacher would have probably failed. Hey, I was fourteen. The teacher never had a chance either.

This brings me to the part where virtually every teacher reading this may cringe. I do not believe in tenure for teachers. I can not think of any job that guarantees lifetime employment for a bad or average job performance. Tenure almost carves in stone your job after only three to five years. After that as long as you don’t hit or molest a student your career is safe and sound. Mayor Bloomberg of New York City doesn’t believe in tenure either. Teachers with tenure fired for bad performances cost New York City over ten million dollars defending against lawsuits. Mayor Bloomberg wants to do away with the current tenure system and install a system where good teachers are rewarded financially for their performances and bad teachers are dismissed.

At the beginning of every new school year I hear many parents talking about their child’s new teacher. Some are happy and some are not. I’ve heard a few parents even say how they are looking forward to the teacher’s conference so that they can straighten the teacher out as to their unique little snowflake’s special needs. I would think that most teachers go and get drunk right after back to school night. Some even get drunk before. Some parents are indifferent about their child’s education and some are over involved to the point that the teacher is getting calls on a weekly basis.  Like I said, teaching is a noble profession and it takes a special person to do it. Good teachers are grossly underpaid and bad teachers are just slip-sliding through the system at the expense of their students. I could count on one hand the teachers who have greatly influenced my life. I have to count on one hand because none of them were math teachers.

Team America

I haven’t read Laura Ingraham’s new book “Power to the People” as of yet and probably will never get to it. She spends so much time hawking the book on her radio show that I don’t have to buy it to get the gist of it or in her case the divine message. She feels that this country is lacking in genuine nationalism and has the morality standards of a French prostitute. This “Pornification of America” as she calls it is corrupting out society, destroying our children, and further widening the lines between ultra conservatives like herself and the left wing semi-socialists who now control congress and make cool movies in Hollywood with sick special effects. While I do agree with her on this issue in principle I think the national movement she is trying to ignite with her new book tour in the refurbished white van  Scooby Doo Mystery Machine is more of a media plan to sell more books than a road trip to unite the American people.  

                Uniting the American people behind any cause other than an absolute national disaster that includes every state and every household is nearly impossible. We are a nation of individuals with the attention span of a box of Tic-Tacs founded on principles of freedom, democracy, truth, justice, equality, and the pursuit of happiness. All of those principles combined provide American citizens opportunities that most countries do not offer their citizens. As children we are taught to take advantage of opportunities and that we can become anything that we want as long as we work hard and try our best. Team spirit was instilled in us but it is always the individual efforts that brought about the team’s success. As we get older we feel the natural urge to break away from the pack and be recognized and rewarded for our individual accomplishments whether it be wealth, power, or fame. 

So how do you nationalize a country of individuals who are each trying to create their own happiness in the center of their own universe? One answer is that you write a book under the pretense of unifying the country to sell as many books as you can. After all, that is the American way isn’t it?

While we may at certain times feel like a nation of one people with a unified pulse of American pride pumping through our viens it is usually due to the U.S. hockey team winning the gold medal at the Olympics…or a some half-crazed lunatic in a cave somewhere in Pakistan ordering planes to crash into the financial symbol of our country.  We celebrate our victorys together and we mourn our losses together. After that it is business as usual. We don’t forget but we move on.  

National pride is a great notion but may be a difficult sell when everyone is looking out for number one. Often national pride is associated with how well our elected officials are doing their jobs and the state of the economy. Our elected officials are busy shooting their friends on hunting trips, soliciting patrons in airport men’s rooms, having sex with barely legal interns in the oval office, lieing under oath, using government aircraft for personal use, and basically making Washington look more like a Girls Gone Wild DVD rather than a nations capitol. Then their is the economy. Gas is almost three dollars a gallon, the housing market and subsequently the mortgage industry is in the toilet, we are in a minor recession and the money you have been putting away your entire life for retirement along with social security will not be worth spit and you will have to work at a Walgreen’s when you are seventy-five and be annoyed by ten year old smart-ass skateboarders with cell phones because medicare doesn’t cover enough of your health care costs. Golden years my ass.

Am I being unpatriotic? Is it wrong to want a piece of the American pie before it is being imported from China on a beautiful American flag dish made by a gentle souled ten year old girl working twelve hours a day in a sweat shop using enough lead based paint to kill an American ten year old girl?

I love America but I don’t care much for the people who are running the country. They are more concerned with their own rise to power and playing it safe than they are in creating real change. They get caught up in the smoke filled back room of politics where the feeding frenzy takes place. This is where the backs of careers are broken and new players are quickly assimilated into the realm. Their promises only last until they are elected. That is the level of commitment our leaders have. Meanwhile thousands of miles away someone is strapping on a suicide belt to kill Americans. Now that is what I call commitment. 

The Prison System

The prison system in America is about as out of control as the Bush daughters at an all night keg party.  Premium cable, basketball courts, weight room, libraries, and university level study programs amazingly enough have not thrown the paralyzing fear of prison into repeat offenders. To many of them life in prison is the same if not better than on the outside. It has been estimated that it costs an average of $25,000 per year to house a prisoner. It would be a lot cheaper to keep him in a Howard Johnson’s motel.  Two men sharing an 8 X 10 foot cell prison may be considered by some to be cruel and unusual punishment. Two men sharing an 8 X 10 foot apartment in Manhattan and are paying $2,600 a month is considered tragically hip.

How do I know the prison system doesn’t work? Here is an example. We have a man we will call John Doe. No, make it John Dope. No, no, make it John Dope Dealer. Let’s call him JDD for short. He is caught dealing drugs to minors and due to prior arrests for petty crimes he is sentenced to 15 years in prison. He attends classes in prison and earns his High School Diploma, takes college courses and earns his degree in Political Science and then goes on to earn his law degree. He petitions the state for a retrial due to a minor technicality in the processing of his case. He wins his appeal and is released. He opens his own law practice and makes monstrous amounts of cash by defending drug dealers and gang members. Then of course comes the book. Then the movie deal based on his life.  Finally this tragic little life cycle comes back to the beginning with his arrest for parole violation for not paying an overdue book fee to the prison library.

Don’t even get me started on the country club type prison where Martha Stewart stayed. Martha, or “The Big Stu” as she was called in the big house has said that she was initially frightened and fearful of prison. Frightened? Of what? It’s a minimum security prison that has velvet roping instead of a walls. The guard dogs were all Pomeranians. Wolfang Puck was the cook.  Your roommate was probably some senators 19 year old low level pot dealing daughter with a half-moon tattoo, dreadlocks, and an eyebrow piercing. What’s to be afraid of? That you’ll come out wanting to watch cartoons all day, eat Dorito’s for breakfast, and play hackey-sack in the back yard? I’ve seen tougher Club MED’s than where she went. And that is the big point here isn’t it? Tough does not mean cruel and unusual punishment.

Despite what happened in your childhood you know wrong from right. Some people are good and some are bad. Plain and simple. The idea is to keep the good people safe from the bad people. Where is compassion you ask? Compassion begins with the guy wearing the toe tag and his family, not with the guy who committed the crime and is now complaining that his rights have been violated because the cops who arrested him scratched him when they pryed the gun from his hand. In my opinion prisoners need to work. That’s right. No TV. No gym use. No free education. Prison should be like a job. You need to earn privileges and you need to pay back your debt to the people that you hurt before you are permitted to use the same system you slapped in the face to better yourself.  Listen folks, nobody ever said that freedom is free. Respect the laws that keep you free. Just knowing that a heinous criminal mastermind like Martha Stewart was off the streets for a while helped me sleep a little bit better.  

Generation X

Isn’t it about time we get off generation X’s tattooed back? No wonder the Xers are angry and need a global navigation system to find their way home every day after working in the mall. They feel like all of America’s opportunities have passed them by. It’s like they got to the party late and all that’s left is a broken X-Box and a few cans of Red Bull. Okay, so that’s why they feel threatened, but why do we find them so threatening? We must be reminded that the single most important function of any generation is to annoy the crap out of the generation preceding it. Old timers don’t know anything. They listen to rap, pierce their tongues, and fall in love with the first person they meet online who compliments them on their deep, deep thoughts . The Xers fear the same thing we did at their age…change. They have yet to find out that life is like riding the bus, it requires change. They seek out nonconformity at every corner which isn’t difficult since it is being mass marketed by big business who seek the coveted X-dollar. They rush to MTV’s Real World auditions. Auditions? For the real world? Everyone is so busy playing for the camera’s that nobody is creating anything new. They suffer from generational performance anxiety because they are following the baby boomers who are constantly pounding their salad-bar chests about how great the seventies and eighties were. But now it’s 2007, the adjusted rate mortgage payment is due and Generation X has to pay the bill. Instead of casual dating they have precautionary dating. Instead of beads they have body piercing which in today’s competitive job market makes the statement, “what can I do to make myself even more unemployable”? The fashion sword is being wielded by clothing companies looking to cash in before Gen Y and Z take over and the trend goes from guy’s pants being so big they could hide a Labradoodle in them to paramilitary chic clothing that works both in the nightclub and on the battlefield of Irag. So, in the words of Lennon and McCartney I say” let it be”. The tattooed, pierced, gothic, lost souls of generation X will find their own way in their own time. Of course I wouldn’t turn my back on one of them, but that’s just me.

I Want it Plain!

I like my food plain. I don’t want your ketchup or catsup if you spell it like that. I don’t like mustard, relish, onions, oil, vinegar, and mayonnaise. Get your special sauce away from me and please call the manager. I should know better than to expect the voice of the underage illegal alien  coming through the Wendy’s sign I’m talking to through my car window in the rain to get my order right. A plain cheeseburger please. When I say plain I mean plain. A bun. A piece of mystery meat. A piece of cheese. A cholesterol monitoring device and I’m happy. I drive a half a mile down the road and I open my cheeseburger  wrapper and  take a bite. All of a sudden this foreign disgusting taste fills my mouth.  I open the car window and spit out the bite. I look at the sandwich and there it is…a pickle. Staring me right in the face. A baby Gurkin in all of it’s green glory. Did I mention plain? What word sounded like pickle to you?

When I mention my opposition to AFCA ( Automatic Food Condiment Application) people look at me like there’s something wrong with me. Has it come to the point that I actually have to beg for my food to be prepared plain? Do I actually throw a monkey wrench into the highly technical food assembly line at Burger King because I want my burger plain? It appears that I do. I feel that I must take drastic action to prevent people like myself who enjoy their food plain from becoming as old and extinct as the hot dogs served at 7-11. I am starting a new support group for people like me who want it plain. We will lobby in Washington and hopefully start the ball rolling on some legislative action to stop this insanity. With the new laws in place establishments like McDonalds will stop automatically putting ketchup, mustard, and a pickle on all of their burgers which by the way is what they consider to be plain. Can you believe it? Who does Mayor McCheese think he is?

If you wish to join PIGS (Plain Is Good Stuff), my new association to prevent the automatic dispensing of condiments on food please see Faith and she will sign you up. We will have our new PIGS T-shirts made as soon as possible.
Our slogan is: Hold The Sauce. I’m The Boss!

Quick Tips to avoid unauthorized condiment dispensing.
1. Never go out to eat. Stay home and really have it your
    way. PLAIN.
2. Avoid fast-food places like you’d avoid a slice of tomato
   on a perfectly good dry boring turkey sandwich.
3. If you do go to a fast food place never trust the person
   taking your order, the person filling your order, and the
   person actually handing you the food. Don’t trust the
   assistant manager either. He was promoted after a week
   of steady employment. Also, there is never actually a
   manager, just his assistant.
4. A grease pencil slash across the condiment picture on
   the burger wrapper designating that the burger does not
   contain that item is not to be believed.
5. Do not listen to those, “what’s the big deal, just scrape it
    off the burger and you’ll never even taste it” types. You
    will taste it. You know it was there. You can’t change the
    fact that a pickle touched your sandwich. The security
    of your burger has been compromised. Live and learn.

New Ideas for Reality TV Shows

1. Dancing With The Homeless
Televison and movie stars find homeless people sleeping on the street and wake them from a drunken induced slumber to dance with them. Hollywood really, really wants to help.

2. The Moore, Moore, Moore Reality Show
Mary Tyler-Moore, Roger Moore, and Michael Moore share a condemned three bedroom house in Detroit where they stay warm by burning Michael’s books. In one episode Michael hocks his academy award to buy a gun to shoot at people at the NRA gun show. He’s against guns you know.

3. Tom and Mom
As part of his civil service sentence for acting without a talent license in War of the Worlds, Tom Cruise is sentenced to 90 days as a counselor in a post partum depression clinic. He is beaten with blankies, botties, and one dirty diaper on the first day of shooting. Show is immediately cancelled.

4. Hunting with Dick Cheny
Vice President Dick Cheny takes John Kerry, Joe Lieberman, Ted Kennedy, and Joe Biden on a Quail hunting trip. In the first episode Dick Cheny points his unloaded shotgun at the group as a joke. John Kerry bolts from the group and runs…apparently going for help as he later stated. Their is no limit to his bravery. In the third installment the group crosses over an old bridge as the stream below quickly flows beneath them. Ted Kennedy stops and ponders. “You guys want to hear a funny story” he asks? “Promise you won’t tell anyone?”

5. Race to Citizenship
Twelve illegal aliens are picked to race from New York to Mexico. The first one crossing the border into Mexico wins US citizenship, health benefits, financial assistance and a scholarship to an accredited college or university. Of course they will be denied re-entry into the United States to collect their prize. The eleven losers will be deported to Canada.

6. I’m Smarter Than a Gang Banger
Adults test their knowledge against street gang members in a fun filled hour of laughs and excitemment. Do you know what a 40 is? How about the difference between a “drive-by” and a “drive-in”? You’ll laugh so hard you’ll want to bust a cap right into your TV.

7. America’s Next Rehab Star
Hosted by Courtney Love. Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan, Brittney Spears, Nicole Ritchie and Kate Moss compete to see which one will win an all expenses paid dream vacation to the Betty Ford Clinic. Competitions will include: Completing a full sentence, Where’s My Car?, Knowledge of Alcohol and Pain Killers, DWI ( Driving While an Idiot), Getting By Without Talent, and Leaving The Scene of an Accident. Executive producer and frequent rehab visitor himself Mel Gibson has high hopes for the show and has decreed that only Kosher food will be served on the set. He wants to make nice.

8. Bitten by The Dog
Eighteen contestants, all who have been caught by Dog The Bounty Hunter, live in a house together for six weeks as they try to clean up their lives. Hear their stories first hand and see for yourself what it feels like to sit in the back seat of Dog’s SUV while he endlessly rants on about religon, honesty, and virtue. “I honestly couldn’t wait to get out of that car and into the county jail”, one contestant stated. “He just doesn’t shut the #%@& up…and the hair is ridiculous”. The show is filmed in both Hawaii and Colorado which are the only two states that allow an ex-convict who was arrested 18 times for armed robbery and convicted of first-degree murder to work as a bounty hunter.  

I don’t like the left wing. I don’t like the right wing.

I first want to say that I am a registered Republican. I’m not an active republican. I tried to be active once but quickly found out that getting my money was more important than getting my help. When Lynn Swan ran for Governor of Pennsylvannia in the last elections I offered my assistance in any way I could help. All I received was e-mails asking for more money. To be honest I really didn’t give as much thought as I should have about joining a political party before registering as a republican. To be totally  honest I registered at a county fair republican party booth which was right next to the Porta-John. Maybe it was seeing all of the good old American family fun or perhaps it was the mix of cotton candy and horse manure permeating the air that filled my head with thoughts of becoming a republican…whatever it was. I signed on.

Okay, so now I want to quit. Un-register. Throw in the towel. Having the choice of listening to Rap or conservative talk radio I took what I thought was the high road and chose to listen to the opinions of Rush Limbaugh, Sean Hannity, Laura Ingraham, Monica Crowley, and the other right wing conservatives on WABC during my long commute. I was taken in by their passion and impressed by their intellect. They seemed for all purposes to be on point as to what is wrong with America. Then it got ugly. I began to notice that they are constantly attacking the Democrats for their stupidity and lack of foresight. When they aren’t attacking the Democrats they’re attacking what they refer to as “the mainstream media”…which by the way is controlled by the Democrats. I have listened to some of the past debates and all I have heard is negative smear campaign nonsense. The Democrats attack each other like rabid hyenas so that one may claw her way to win her party’s nomination for president…yeah, we all know she’s going to win. It will be nice to see the pick-up truck and trailer back on the White House lawn again. The republicans are doing likewise in their own family feud. And when the cigar smoke clears and each party has chosen it’s champion, it is really time to rumble.

So why am I bailing on the republicans when they need me most. Because I can. Will I be joing the democratic party now? That’s a negative. It has been said that every voice counts. In conversation with other patients during my recent rehabilitation for a dislocated shoulder I became aware that people are more concerned with what is right rather than who is right. While I may agree with the republicans on some issues I may also agree with the democrats on others. Each party has had it high points in the footnotes of  American history and each has also had it scandalous low points. So what does that make someone like me? An Independent? I’m not sure what independents even believe in on any issues. The independent party always seemed to be the Gilligan’s Island of politics made up of Ralph Nader and social outcasts from the other two party’s.  

So here I sit on the bench. The last picked for political volleyball. Dazed and confused about something that I didn’t even care about five years ago. Can you really help create a better America without being a part of political party? Perhaps one conversation at  time. When people care enough to talk about the issues that concern them it has a ripple effect on society. As for me… I have decided to take the chicken way out. I don’t like the right wing. I don’t like the left wing. I just like the breast. Ah, the chicken way.