Text Message This to a Friend

                              Text messaging today has become all the rage as nimble fingers fly across cell phone keyboards throughout the world. I don’t believe I’ve ever text messaged anyone before. I’m not sure I see the point in it. If you have a cell phone why not just leave a message on voice-mail? Seems easy enough to me. So why would anyone with normal human sized fingers type on a keyboard smaller than a Kit-Kat Bar? I needed to get some answers and I needed to get them fast so I began my research on the subject of text messaging, it’s origin, and where it is headed in the future. Below is the result of my research. If you’d like I can text message this blog to you. Honest, I don’t mind.

The First Text Message

The first text message was from God to Moses in the form of the Ten Commandments. I’m strictly going on the Charleton Heston movie version here as opposed to the Biblical version. When Moses came down from the mountain and saw his dedicated followers acting like Kid ‘n Play having a  House Party he was so enraged that he threw down the ten commandments and broke them into pieces. Thus was the death of the first text message and the birth of the first temper tantrum. Text messaging would not appear again for many centuries.

The Dark Ages of Text Messaging 

Text messaging reappeared in the seventies in the form of what was called a beeper. A beeper, as your grand-children may recall was a small black box with a window on it that displayed a phone number when someone called it. The beeper, much like today’s modern cell phones had it’s own phone number. When it beeped you could see who was calling and then call them back if you wanted. Some numbers look like letters when you hold them upside down. A few people figured out that you could send small crude messages using this knowledge. They were known as drug dealers. Beeper technology today is only used at restaurants to let you know that your table is ready.

The Crossover Years 

In the eighties cell phones either came in a suitcase and looked like you could set off a nuke from them or they were the size of an iron with a retractable antenna that was a foot long. Only important people had them. And drug dealers. In the next ten years the cell phone would reduce in physical size many times before it arrived at it’s present size of small and cute . During this transition period many people had both a beeper, now referred to as a pager, and cell phone. As a bouncer for may years I recall nothing being more attractive than a semi-overweight big haired Jersey girl with a purple beeper attached to her hip while wearing a half shirt that caused her to gently lift her hip roll to see the screen when someone paged her. On the male side of the coin having a cell phone or pager on your belt was a symbol of self importance and an acknowledgement that someone, somewhere knew that you indeed existed.  Some even had two pagers and one cell phone on the same belt. They were known as Batman…or computer network engineers (techno-nerds)…or drug dealers. The two pager, one cell phone guy was one of the loneliest men on the planet. Since he never went out except for work and the porn shop on the corner the two pager, one cell phone guy never procreated and the breed died off somewhere in the late nineties. I hear The Museum Of Natural History has a fully preserved one on display with a working pager that they call once every hour. People gather around it and wait an hour just to hear it beep again. It is the Old- Faithful geyser of our generation.

Texting Today

Our cell phones are compact and personalized with built in cameras, music, GPS, text messaging, a compass, Internet access, videos, and on some of the better models you can actually make a phone call. I see a lot of people text messaging as opposed to speaking directly with someone and so I went aroung and asked why. Here are the responses I received:

” Get away from me you asshole . Can’t you see I’m text messaging?”

” Umm, I don’t know. It’s like me and my BFF’s started doing it, and like, I don’t know, It’s like, you know, OMG, why are you asking me this?”

” Sometimes I don’t want to talk so I just TM someone and they can read it anytime they want. It’s also easy to get away with while you’re supposed to be working. Talking on a cell phone is obvious. When you text message it’s private and if you hide it well you can easily get away with it anywhere.  I text message during meetings, while talking to someone on the phone, on the toilet and during foreplay. By the way I’m looking for a new job, my wife is leaving me, and I can no longer go to the bathroom without my cell phone. Are you hiring? Can I text message you my resume?”

” I like reading so I like getting text messages. Books are boring, at least a text message is to you and not the whole world. It’s kind of like a Hallmark card or something that you get from a friend. That’s $12.94. Do you want any taco sauce with that?”

“I’m a professional businessman and I use it for certain transactions.” “Do you want to buy some drugs?”

The Future of the Text Message

I’m certain that text messaging is just the beginning of this phenomenon and that it’s evolution will bring about the fall of mankind as we know it today. It will all begin to unravel with a text message that was never meant to be seen, and should never a have been sent. Gossip is merely here-say with little or no validation. A text message is a permanent technological tattoo on the ass cheek of cyberspace. Suspended somewhere out there in the timeless void is a villainous text message floating around  like the three master criminals from Superman II just waiting to be released to wreak havoc. It could be something as simple as an off-color remark texted by a Russian Diplomat in Beijing to his mistress in Bulgaria that the Chinese Premier’s breath smells like Bruce Lee’s jockstrap that sets off World War III. It can get that ugly, that fast.

With reports of car crashes, train wrecks, plane crashes and an ice cream cone that got away from a little girl while texting at a family picnic it won’t be long before text messaging will be replaced by something else new and unique…like talking. Technology is like fashion and what is old becomes new again. I will admit that watching someone text message in public is not nearly as annoying as listening to them talk on their blue tooth at a check out register or while walking around a store.

Remember when the sirens are blaring, the bombs are falling, and the serious crap is hitting the heartland, you heard it here first. Text message that.