I’m Getting $4 Million Dollars From A Perfect Stranger in Nigeria

                  In an age of mistrust and unrest it is a breath of fresh air to receive a letter like this. This wonderful man from Nigeria chose me out of everyone in the world and honor me with this great opportunity. This is the greatest thing that has ever happened to me. I can’t believe that I’m going to be rich! Four million dollars will give me everything that I want in the world. I am truly blessed. So that others can understand my joy and to show the world that hope does exist and that people are truly good I have published his letter below giving me the great news and then my thankful reply back to him. Enjoy.

 Dear Sir/M,
I am Mr.David Mark. an Auditor of a BANK OF THE NORTH
INTERNATIONAL,ABUJA
(FCT). I have the courage to Crave indulgence for this important business believing that you will never let me down either now or in the future. Some years ago, an American Mining consultant/ contractor with the Nigeria National Petroleum Corporation, made a numbered time (fixed)deposit for twelve calendar months, valued $12M.USD (TWELVE MILLION US DOLLARS) in an account. On maturity, The bank sent a routine notification to his forwarding address but got no reply. After a month, The bank sent another reminder and finally his contract employers, the Nigerian National Petroleum Corporation wrote to inform the bank that he died without MAKING A WILL, and all attempts by the American Embassy to trace his next of kin was fruitless. I therefore, made further investigation and discovered that the beneficiary was an immigrant from Jamaica and only recently obtained American citizenship. He did not declare any kin or relations in all his official documents, including his Bank deposit paper work. This money total amount $12M.USD ( TWELVE MILLION US DOLLARS)is still sitting in my bank as dormant Account. No one will ever come forward to claim it, and according to Nigerian Banking policy, after some years, the money will revert to the ownership of the Nigerian Government if the account owner is certified dead. This is the situation, and my proposal is that I am looking for a foreigner who will stand in as the next of kin to beneficiary, and OPEN a Bank Account abroad to facilitate the transfer of this money. This is simple, all you have to do is to OPEN an account anywhere in the world and send me its detail for me to arrange
the proper money transfer paperwork, and facilitate the transfer.The money will then be paid into this Account for us to share in the ratio of 60% for me, 35 % for you and 5% for expenses that might come up during transfer process. There is no risk at all, and all the paper work for this transaction will be done by me using my position and connections in the banks in Nigeria. This business transaction is guaranteed. And the first phase of the transfer will be ($4M.USD) FOUR MILLION DOLLARS as advised by our insider in the bank. If you are interested, please reply immediately through my personal email sending the
following details: (1) Your Full Name/Address (2) Your Private Telephone/fax Number. Please observe the utmost confidentiality, and be rest assured that this transaction would be most profitable for both of
us because I shall require your assistance to invest some of my share in your country. I look forward to your earliest reply.
Yours,
Mr.David Mark.

My Reply
Dear Mr. Mark,

                        I can’t tell you how happy I am that you have picked me for this amazing opportunity. This money will certainly come in handy. My wife and our six children can certainly use the money. We are no strangers to tragedy in this house. My first wife and my wife’s first husband were tragically killed during the running of the bulls in Spain during a family vacation.  A few years later we met again in the audience of the Jerry Springer Show. We’re both huge fans.  I knew then that it was much more than a hunch. That this group must somehow form a family and that’s the way we all became the Brady Bunch.

                 I can send you the information you asked for right away. Wouldn’t it be easier if I just sent you my current bank account and routing number now? Or if you want I can send my on-line bank account information to you. The login, password, verification information , my social security number, and my mother’s maiden name just in case they ask. Some people just don’t have any trust. That’s because they have never met anyone as honest and charitable as you Mr. Mark.

                       If this process will take too long I can fly to Nigeria and meet you personally. I can bring a large amount of cash to help with the processing fees you mentioned. We don’t have to meet in a nice hotel or anything like that, a dark alley is fine. I have read about foreigners being kidnapped in Nigeria and held for large ransoms. Knowing that I am under your protection is reassuring to me. Besides, between me and you, my parents are filthy rich. They own a company called Spacely Sprockets.

                    Again, thank you so much for this money and please get back to me as soon as possible on the transfer plans and how you would like me to proceed.

Gratefully Yours,

George Jetson Brady

Ingraham Out, Crowley In, The Same Old Rush

               If you have read any of my blogs you’ve probably noticed a few entries about conservative radio talk show host Laura Ingraham. Apparently she has been taken off the air due to a contract dispute and is hosting a show on FOX TV in the meantime. The ultimate hypocrite and Papal groupie is finally gone. Let’s hope it’s for good. I will miss her speeches touting her love of America. I missed her when she flew down to Guatemala a few months ago to adopt a baby girl while American children sit in orphanages waiting for adoption. I missed her when she was out fighting breast cancer and then made light of the interest people were showing in the death of actor Heath Ledger when there are so many other important issues plaguing our society…like the death of her dog. Her attacks on Hillary Clinton during the campaign were laden with intelligent insight about what Hillary was wearing that day and how frumpy it made her look even though the American public could care less if it was an orange pants suit by Gloria Vanderbilt or a Moo-moo by Gloria Built-like-van.  I will also miss her catch phrases like “The pornification of America” and “Drive by media”. Lastly I will miss her using her radio show to endlessly yet shamelessly self-promote her book, website, and religion. She was quoted at the Broadcaster Freedom Act press conference stating that, “ They’ll have to take the microphone out of my cold, dead hands!”. Well the microphone is out of your hands and to quote Alanis Morissette, “and you’re still alive”. 

                   Just when I thought WABC couldn’t find anyone worse than Ingraham, along comes Monica Crowley to fill in and take the helm. I’ve listened to Crowley’s show on Saturday afternoons where she goes on and on about absolutely nothing. Besides a slight speech impediment that causes each and every word to trail out of her mouth like the tail of a comet moving at the speed of turtle poop, and a hairdo from 1958, Crowleeeeeeey offers no original insight or commentary. It is almost painful to listen to her. If I had a number 2 pencil in my car last night I would have plunged it into both my eardrums. Last night’s show should be declared a national disaster. She actually played the theme to The Brady Bunch to make a point about Barrack Obama’s family campaigning for him. Not just a snippetof the theme…the whole stupid song! She continues to attack Hillary Clinton like a jealous high- school girl with her own catch phrases like the “Hereditary Monarch” and “Girlfriend” (Her attempt at Hip-Hop lingo). Someone needs to explain to Monica what “Hereditary” means because It doesn’t mean what she thinks it means. She has bashed Hillary every time she used a different dialect in her speeches for the area she was campaigning in…southern drawl for the south y’all…and hip hop for the black communities, wasssup. But it’s okay for Monica Crowley to do it girlfriend.

                 I have often wondered if Ingraham and Crowley actually listen to their own shows and realize how petty, hypocritical, and childish they sound. Crowley had Jackie Mason on the show last night and I don’t think he even knew who she was. He never referred to her by her name and was probably text messaging his agent while on the show asking, “Quick, what’s her name again?”

                 WABC needs some fresh talent without an agenda. Sean Hannity is the only host left with any common sense and selflessness. Rush Limbaugh has become a relentless blow-hard and in my opinion a huge liability to the station. A few weeks ago he was spouting off about why men don’t like the movie “Sex and the City” referring to the cast as “horse face, giraffe neck, skank well past her time, and that brunette who is not bad looking, but certainly not enough to make up for all the rest”. He went on to say that, “the women in this movie are not hot. I hate to be so blatantly honest here. The only way to get a man to see a chick flick is if Cameron Diaz or Julia Roberts or somebody similar is in the damn movie. Hot women”. ” The voice of America” and “El Rushbo” has spoken. Hmmm, compelling and important commentary. I think he’s still upset because he didn’t get the part of “Fat Bastard” in the Austin Powers movies. 

            Limbaugh states on his website that “There is a “consensus” among the American people, who have made this the most listened to program, that it is also the most accurate, most right, and most correct. People who disagree withthis are Rush Deniers”. The American people? He actually polled all of the American people to arrive at his “consensus? My Rush poll must have been lost in the mail along with everyone else’s in America. If there wasn’t an actual poll doesn’t that make his show inaccurate, most wrong, and incorrect?  

            Like slowing down to view a car accident out of morbid curiosity I will probably continue to listen to the “pain-killer addicted cigar smoking butt-wipe” and “the speech impediment-ed pouty lipped bouffant hairdo-ed twit. I’m just glad that the “stick-figured pious foreign baby adopting Q-Tip with eyes” is off the air.