From The Top of The World: The Last Post of 2011

I’ve been told in the past that my pointless unscripted just sit at the laptop and let the words flow kind of meandering posts are some of my best. Those moments don’t happen very often, and when they do I usually don’t have access to the internet. It’s New Years eve 2011. I’ve got great wireless access, the attention span of an after dinner mint, and some serious issues that need to be addressed by year’s end or all hell may break loose.

I’ve never been much of a new years kind of person. I don’t drink so I rarely get to experience the euphoria followed by You Tube worthy embarrassing behavior associated with consuming massive amounts of alcohol needed to dull the pain of ushering in yet another new year.

I wonder what the new year will bring us. Actually I wonder what the new year will bring me. Well, let me restate that. I am wondering what opportunities the new year may present for me that I may take advantage of and prosper from. If you are one of those people who are waiting for opportunity to come knocking on your door…don’t open it because it’s Jehovah’s Witnesses. They love to come out right after the holidays and prey on the post holiday weak and lonely. I have had my run-ins with the witnesses years ago when they set their sights on my young daughters. I had a sit-down with them and presented them with a crystal clear argument that they could not refute. I think two of them quit after I left and became Muslims.

I have decided that I need to participate in a winter sport. After very few hours of thoughtless research I have decided to embark on a journey into the snow-capped belly of the beast known as Snow Boarding! I don’t like hockey, I can’t ice skate or speak french but I do find the fighting to be quite interesting. Skiing is too uppity for me. Besides the thought of my knees going in two different directions at the same time while my spine is bending like a yoga master a split second before I hit a tree or even worse an eight year old girl that I used as a speed bump to stop…doesn’t work for me. Especially after the eight year old girls father…”Joe Ski Guy” gets in my face and screams at me for knocking his “precious” to the soft snow-covered ground. After apologizing 3 times during his frozen spittle assault on my face I decide to push his face into the open garbage can. So you can see why skiing is out of the question.

I have now have a radical snow board, bindings, snow board boots, helmet, goggles, gloves with internal wrist guards, a snow board jacket, and snow board pants. Cost of all snow board crap: $1250. Cost of me trying it once and totally hating it: Priceless

North Korea’s Supreme Leader Kim Jong Il recently died of who the fuck cares. They buried his stir-fryed R2D2 body in a the same size box my Big Wheels Racetrack came in when I was five and about his height.  I read online about his alleged athletic prowness…perfect 300 game the first time he ever bowled…multiple holes-in-one in his very first golf outing…Wow! That is why he was their supreme leader. He is known for being a huge MIchael Jordan fan…but he could never dunk a basketball could he? Even if they put the rim on the floor and let the little toad stand over it and drop the ball in. afterall, he was all of 5″2 tall. His hair made him look 6″2. He will be sorely missed by south korean comedians and asian elvis impersonators.

I haven’t been following the political arena as closely as I have in the past. As an anti-political junkie it is important that I keep up with what is going on. I have caught snippets of information and have scanned a few articles on the recent republican debates and upcoming elections. So far I have learned that almost none of these idiots get their facts straight before opening their mouths. They have all misquoted, mis-stated, mispronounced, misspelled, miscalculated, and misinterpreted simple facts. Who the hell is doing their research, Beavis and Butthead? These are the morons that we want running the country? We’re better off with the present morons and allowing Obama and Biden’s Excellent Adventure to continue for another four years.

What I’d Like to See in 2012…

Another Ace Ventura Movie, another Austin Powers movie, the following shows to be cancelled: Jersey Shore (and the cast killed), Real Houswives of NJ, American Idol, X-Factor(and Simon killed…and Paula too if she really carries on and cries a lot)…a better economy,  health care that doesn’t make you have to go see a proctologist to get the government’s foot out of your ass…which by the way you will not be covered for since it was a pre-existing condition, Michael Vick viciously attacked by pit bulls in what the news will call a racially biased hate crime…but we all know it was just poetic pit justice…finally, I would like to see all of the deserving people of the world prosper from their selfless acts of generosity no matter how small and how often.

Kardashian Through The Snow…In a One-Horse Open Sleigh…All the Fields We Go…My New Husband is Gay

Yeah, yeah…I know, I haven’t posted for a while. I’ve been laid up with a back injury whose subsequent intolerable pain would send most mortal men looking for a gun and a quiet place to put an end to the misery. Good thing I didn’t do that because it is finally getting better just in time for the holidays. As with every holiday season I am torn between commercialism and pessimism. I could go on about how it’s not about gifts but about the holiday spirit…but I won’t. I want gifts! Expensive gifts. Big gifts. Small gifts…as long as they are expensive of course. Just give me gifts damn it. Since most of you do not know what I want I have been kind enough to provide a list below of some ideas so you don’t get me something I won’t like and I won’t have to pretend that I do…which is embarrassing for both of us.

First I will start with the gifts I don’t want…so if I happen to give you something nice and you have a prepared Dollar Store “courtesy” gift tastefully wrapped in last years holiday paper you can forget it.

• The Hickory Farms Meat and Cheese Assortment…Nothing says “triple bypass” like this little beauty. The wonderful wheel of cheese surrounded by some phallic shaped mystery meat and some wheat thins that even someone on death row wouldn’t eat before their execution. What brings it all together is that shitty green cellophane fake easter basket grass acting as a blanket for all of those health products.
• A star named after me. Really? Why not just get yourself a Wacky Waving Inflatable Arm Flailing Tube Man and make it your new best friend because this one just left building…so I can go outside with my fucking telescope and look at my star. Oh there it is!! Right next to that other person’s star. I hope they aren’t Jewish.
• A gift certificate for a half-day at a spa. Oh that sucks! It would suck anyway but to add insult to ignorance you buy me a “half-day”? Couldn’t spring for a whole day huh? That’s cool…I’ll probably need the second half of the day to recover from the colon-cleanse and to clean my ass after the mud bath…or was that a colon bath and a mud cleanse? I certainly hope you enjoy the 1/2 bottle of wine I got you. It will go well with the one earing, watch with no band, and left shoe you can expect to get. Have a happy half christmas.
• Something you made yourself. Wow…with your own little hands you made me something special. What a special way to tell me that you don’t have a debit card. Unless you’re a freaking Rembrandt or under the age of ten…forget it.
• A puppy. It is well known that I love dogs. Having said that I am the type who likes to pick out his own dogs. What you may think is cute and cuddly I may think is hideous and future roadkill. Sure there is nothing like waking up Christmas Morning to find a cute little puppy basking in the warm glow of the flickering lights…two hours later you have a four pound piss and shit machine tearing up everything in the house and eating out of the garbage…but even that stupid little puppy is too smart to eat that fucking Hickory Farms Meat and Cheese Assortment that I told you not to get me anyway.

Okay…Now to the stuff I do want

It’s quite simple this year…while I may jest about wanting large and expensive gifts, what I really want is the following…

• I want the lady in front of me at the shop rite check-out to have her credit card or checkbook ready when the cashier tells her the total. Waiting until the last second, digging into that bottomless abyss that is your flea-market purchased Lius Vuitton knock-off pocketbook and acting like you had no clue that this process was going to take place…as it has countless times before…makes everyone wait just a little longer and makes you an oblivious half-wit.
• Tell the guy filling my gas tank that the “click” noise means my tank is now full and I’d like to leave. He probably didn’t hear the click since he is yelling into his cell phone to somebody in the old country…like Hamas or Hezbollah. I need to start going to a different Gas Station sleeper cell.
• Tell the person responsible for all of the internet headlines that read…” Experts Baffled By New Discovery “…to just stop it already. If you’re “Baffled” then you’re not a freaking expert so shut up until you are no longer baffled.   
• Tell the good people at “Planet Fitness” that their gym blows. Their image is based on being a “No Judgement” environment. The first thing you see is a huge sign calling anyone that wears a tank top, carries a jug of water and lets out even the slightest of grunts while lifting… A LUNK! Isn’t calling someone a Lunk judging them? Perhaps the free Tootsie-Rolls they give out more than make up for their staff’s nasty attitude and their concentration-camp style of rules and regulations. I was a member of the Pompton Lakes gym so I can not attest to how crappy the others are…just that one.
• Finally I want to make sure that I live long enough to see the youngest Kardashian sister walk down the aisle in her fake marriage. Come on here people…this is a show about absolutely nothing…if you want to piss away an hour of your time on mindless dribble put out by some self-defacing moron…just read my blog.  Happy Holidays to everyone!…that reads my blog… 

Comments on Your Comments

While I may not be blogging as often as I should, when I do post I try to take the time to sort through my thoughts… Both of them… and put out a piece that people will enjoy reading.  I like when people comment on my posts, good and bad. The only comments I won’t show are those that are personal, stupid, or just want me to post their comment because they have a website they want all of my readers…both of them…to visit it.

While not every post will be long and thought provoking they all have a certain degree of effort, thought, and purpose to them. This is my sounding board. A safe haven for me to voice my opinions, narratives, speculations, and observations. So, if you decide to comment on one of my posts from now on please follow the guidelines listed below or I will not be able to show your comment. The last comment I received, which was to my Internet Dating Piece was the delightfully eccentric ” water seeks its own level”. Simply amazing. What an incredible grasp of the obvious. The piece, as with many of my other pieces, was meant to be funny. While the saying, “there is a lot of truth in comedy” may be accurate it is not necessary to look for the truth in comedy is it? If you are one of those neersayers…you’re probably missing the point. Just take it for face value and try not to peel back the layers to find out what I am “really saying”. I’m not saying anything of any importance or dishing out life-changing hidden messages in my posts. If thats what you’re into than should go find it elsewhere. Life is not about dissecting every thought, spoken word, or action. If you are one of those types you will never see the beauty, comedy, or honesty in anything.

Guidelines for Comments

Spelling does count.

Short philosophical phrases that you read on the back of Highlights Magazine in your dentist’s waiting room and are now being regurgitated as your own comments will be trashed, ashes burned, and then dumped into a drinking water reservoir so that others can consume them and perhaps be as smart as you are some day. Any thoughts of your own?

If you know me personally than by all means comment…on the post…not me.

Take a moment. I took the time to post so you should take the time to wrap your mind around what I’m saying before you write a comment. You got to get it to get it. If you don’t get it…than forget it.

Three word comments don’t cut it. They totally suck. Hey that’s three words. Nevermind then.

Cyber-Dating…Get The Sensation!! Or not…

I wish every day in life was like biting into a york peppermint patty where you get the sensation that you are on top of a mountain. Of course if you are on vacation in Aruba wearing a pair of shorts and a Hawaiian shirt, biting into a York Peppermint Patty could end up as hypothermia and then eventually frostbite followed by a lonely mountaintop death. It’s all about being in the right place at the right time. Candy aside, the same can be said for dating. If you have come to a point where the bar scene is no longer one of your hunting grounds you become limited to possibilities of meeting “The One”…or at least, “The Next One” on your conga-line of potential suitors. That is where, once again, the internet has come in handy. Internet dating has become the new platform for meeting Mr. or Ms.’s right.

I will not confirm nor deny any allegations that I have dipped my foot into the cyber-cesspool of online dating. All I can say is that I have done some research on the subject. Very painful research. A few horrific dinners. Met a control-top panty parade of psychos, yoga freaks, granola girls, biker chicks, corporate climbers, drama queens, tree huggers, puppy lovers ( yes, I know my dog is cute), truth-seekers, lie detectors, heartbreakers, knee-jerkers, mommy dearests, 12 steppers, mistrusters, integrity questioners, and intellectual inchworms.

My profile was quite honest and sincere….I mean…If I had a profile, it would have been honest and sincere. Apparently too honest and too sincere which became grounds for responders to question my integrity based on their prior experiences. You know, all men are the same and we only want one thing. Well for me that one thing is pizza. I’m not sure if that’s what they were referring to though. I have re-written my profile to make myself seem a little more ordinary…because that seems to be something most women can wrap their minds around. I mean everyone should be looking for mediocrity when it comes to romance. Easy to find, easy to maintain, and no big loss if it ends. Here’s my new and unimproved profile.

Semi-Attractive Dishonest Male Seeks Attractive Doormat

I am a grossly over-weight man looking for a strong woman. You will need to be strong when I call at 3AM for you to come pick me up from whatever strip club I’m too drunk to drive home from. Your ability to overlook the strong smell of hooker spit and cigarettes permeating from every pore of my body is essential for us to have an amazing relationship based on my needs. I will always respect you by never hitting you in public and never with a closed fist. I was raised better than that. Nights that I actually do come home will be filled with cans of domestic beer, pork rinds, and cinemax on demand. Me, you, my favorite wife-beater t-shirt, some brewskies…a little slice of blue-collar heaven.

I do not take illegal drugs since the prescribed ones are working just fine for me. If I ever pass out while clipping my toe-nails into an empty beer can don’t worry, it usually lasts just a few days. I have never been convicted of a felony…always aquitted by reason of insanity. They had a hard time disproving the insanity after a shrink said I suffered from multiple personalities. I’m not sure how many personalities I have since three of them only speak spanish and I have no idea what they are saying. I have an imaginary friend but he hates me now so he hangs out with the guy across the street. So there is room in my life for one special lady. Are you here? If not do you know where she is buried? I await the plethora of replies that I’m sure will fill my inbox like so many York Peppermint Pattys…

Leaving Las Pennsie

I suppose I can put this post in the “never say never” section of the “I’m out of my fucking mind”department of my cranium. It is with great hesitation, deep introspection, and a lot of mind changing that has finally been resolved by asking my Magic Eight Ball if I should move back to Jersey. When that little floating triangle told me “yes” I knew it was time to stop fiddle-fucking and face the music like a man-child.

The inner battle between doing what you want and doing what you need to do can be treacherous until you make that choice. For me the commute and price of gas now outweighs the serenity of living in the middle of nowhere. I happen to love where I live. The rural charm is refreshing and peaceful for me. I have led a quiet life of self-imposed exile not unlike Henry David Thoreau on Walden Pond…to be honest its more like Lee Harvey Oswald at the Wal-Mart parking lot. I will miss this place. There is a sign on my road the reads “FREE MANURE”. You just don’t see that in Jersey. Not that I have ever taken advantage of the free manure but it’s somewhat comforting to know that it’s available…and its free.

Some of the people I’ve encountered are of the highest caliber and I’m a better person for having known them. There’s Jeff from Chestnuthill Trailers where I bought my ATV about 7 years ago. He was the first person to remind me of why I moved here in the first place. I had ordered an accessory for my new ATV and asked him when it would be in. He just looked at me, smiled and asked if I was new around here? He then proceeded to give me the Tao of living in Pennsylvannia…we don’t rush around here…it’ll get here when it gets here. Lesson 1…lighten up and relax. Doctor Frank Romascavage…I can not say enough about this man. He looks like a former WWF Wrestler…which he was actually the doctor for…wild long hair…raspy voice…sweat pants…insurance company hating…pharmacuetical company loathing…and one of the most genuinely caring men I’ve ever met. Last time I saw him he showed me a coffee can in his office filled with deck screws. He had accepted them in lieu of payment from a proud patient who could not afford health care. He is closed on Thursdays to make house calls to his elderly patients. What a great man. I will drive back here if I am sick because I refuse to see anyone else.

So there you have it. I said I’d never move back…and after see Jersey Shore, Real Housewives of NJ, and Jerseylicious…I was certain of it. Where do they find these people? Is NJ becoming the breeding ground for future Jerry Springer guests? At least when the Sopranos was on, people feared New Jersayans…now they just snicker behind your backs and make nasty references to your…sorry to yuz accents. Fugettaboutit…and what the fuck is a Snookie? NJ has a state bird, a state flag, and a state song. Did you really need a state moron? I will be keeping my PA plates for as long as I can. Until I turn them in… I’m still lost in translation with fond memories and a tear in my eye…

Sorry…(read the post below first…just do it!!)

Hi Friends…hope you enjoyed my little joke post about being rich now…I’m such a nut huh? Glad you all knew it was a joke.

So what’s new in my life? Well all of my bank accounts seem to have been wiped out. Hey, it’s just money right? The bank can’t seem to give me any information yet because apparently my identity has also been stolen. I will give you all an update after I get my computer back from DELL…It seems whomever stole my credit made some big purchases and since they don’t know who they are, a repossession of my PC is in order. No worries though, I least I still have my laptop.

Keep smiling. You are all wonderful intelligent people. Just got an e-mail. The bastards want the laptop too.

I’m Rich Now So I’m Outta Here Losers

Hey there loyal “edgewisdom” readers…both of you. Hi Mom. Well its been a lot of fun writing this blog for you social lepers but I just found out that I have been given a huge sum of money so you can all bite me. No more writing this stupid blog. No more reading your ridiculous letters and comments. No more nasty comments by all of the people, organizations, religions, races, creeds, political imbeciles, and retards I’ve insulted in the past. Keep in mind I would still like to insult you but I’ll be rich when I’m doing it which makes it more fun…for me I mean. For you it will obviously suck.

If there is one thing you may have garnered while reading many of my posts is that I have an innate and uncanny ability to filter out bullshit and those that throw it. When I got the e-mail from a gentleman from the Ivory Coast telling me of his problem inheriting 40 million dollars from his recently departed father I was sceptical. When I wrote  back he seemed delighted that I would help him get his money out of the country. I could almost hear his honesty through his written words. After providing him with my account number, routing number, pin number and social security number I should be receiving my money wire in just a few minutes.

So losers…I’m signing off for the last time. Now you can all go pick cat hair out of your TV dinners and watch yourself starve for the highly intelligent sail-right-over-your-head narratives on the human condition I have provided for you for so many thankless years. You make me sick!

Emmett: “I Love You, I’ll Kill You”

My Jack Russell puppy Emmett is the cutest most adorable thing you’ve ever seen and on most days I threaten to kill him at least 4-5 times. I know that sounds horrible and I’d never actually do it, but it has become the cornerstone of our relationship. When I first saw him in that cage I was heartbroken. He was the last of the litter to be given a home…all of his brothers and sisters had been taken. I didn’t get it. He had perfect coloring, great symmetry, a brown patch around one eye, and an amazing personality. I simply had to have him. What I didn’t know at the time is that he was a con dog…a grifter. I had been taken…emotionally fleeced by satan’s pet sent to earth to test my fortitude. Keep in mind that as I am writing this post the little shit is chewing the power cord to my laptop. My only fear is that I lose power and the word never gets out about my impending demise from insanity. He’s watching…he’s always watching.

At 6 months, 3 powers cords chewed, 2 bed sheets destroyed, one peed-on carpet that should be burned and have its ashes buried next to Jimmy Hoffa ( I think Emmett may know where he is), speaker cords, my iPod, 1 cell phone, 2 bluetooth’s or is it blueteeth in plural? Not to mention his “problem” with crapping in the snow. He obviously prefers grass…or the carpet, or my guitar case, or in my closet. He is just a special little treat that brings surprises each and every day. Just this past weekend he swallowed something that got caught in his throat which required a visit to the vet which necessitated me sitting in the waiting room for about three hours that resulted in a happy groggy puppy and a six hundred dollar vet bill. Fucking dog only cost five hundred!

I’m often asked if Emmett was a rescue. The answer is yes, he rescued me. I suppose I needed someone to take care of and he needed someone to make miserable. He has made my life difficult in so many ways I can not begin to list them. Yet every morning he comes up by my face and lays across my head…burrows under my neck as he turns belly up and rubs against me. His puppy breath is intoxicating so early in the morning and he works his magic on me. It is early and I love him…while knowing that at some point in the day I will threaten to kill him.

Social Responsibility Begins With Fiscal Responsibility

Social responsibility is measured by how a country takes care of its people, especially the poor and unfortunate. The decisions on how and where to fund social responsibility comes from your elected officials in Washington. I say your because I didn’t vote for any of those gargoyles. The burden of funding social responsibility falls on the american public. Nearly every american has invested in their retirement by paying into social security. The government doesn’t ask for the money. They simply take it out of your paycheck along with a buffet of other taxes. You are under the assumption that some day your invested money will be given back to you when you retire so that you may live like a normal human being.

The government has been siphoning off social security money for years. They need it to cover the difference in the income taxes taken out of your salary and the sales tax you pay every time you make a purchase. You would think that it would be enough. With politicians spending money like…well, politicians it will never be enough. How obnoxious is it for our government to tell us to “tighten our belts” and change our spending habits when they are spending money they don’t have? Our current national debt is $14,151,455,696,288. Our estimated current population is 309,940,535. So each citizen’s share of this debt is $45,397.13.

It’s astonishing that it has become this bad. The united states government has become addicted to spending…our money. They are spending junkies that can not stop themselves and they are growing in size. Bigger government telling american citizens what is good for us while at the same time doing the very opposite. It is hypocrisy at the highest level.

In June President Obama pledged 400 million in aid to the Gaza Strip which is run by Hamas, a terrorist organization that preaches hatred and contempt for the West, annihilation of Israel and its Jewish inhabitants, demonization of the Jews, and a cynical form of indoctrination that aims to turn children into future suicide bombers. Thats cool since a lot of the aid money will go to build new schools to preach hatred to even younger children. How many pounds of C4 do you think fits in a lunch box?

Americans are out of work, out of money, and running out of time. Unemployment benefits are running out on a lot of people soon. How long do you think it will be before crime increases? Municipalities across the country are laying off cops in alarming numbers to help ease the burden of their own budget crisis. State aid is gone and Washington isn’t bailing out any states or towns that are going under. That priveledge is only for auto makers, banks, and mortgage companies. Its horrific to see the United States government cannabalize its own people.

The bottom line here folks is that 99% of our politicians suck and the few good ones can’t get shit done because they are a minority amongst self-serving  ego-driven prius-driving ass-kissing douche bags.

Shame and Discust: Boycott Smithfield Foods

This is horrible. Treating animals like this is cruel and inhumane. Boycott any food made by Smithfield.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L_vqIGTKuQE