Autumn in New Paltz

I was in New Paltz, New York this past Saturday. If you live within a few hours I highly recommend it for a day trip. New Paltz is a combination of rural bohemia with an urban feel to it. Orchards, vineyards, gardens, and corn fields. Mountain bike riding, hiking, and some of the best rock climbing and bouldering in the area are all a part of New Paltz’s connection with its amazing geography. The center of town is dotted with antique shops,  restaurants, book stores, clothing stores, and a few stores that I wasn’t sure what the hell they were selling. It is a “live and let live” kind of town. My kind of town.

To the west of New Paltz, about five miles, is the Shawangunk Mountains.  The high cliffs attract thousands of mountain climbers each year.   At the top of the Shawangunk ridge is the Mohonk Mountain House, a historic hotel with breath-taking views and walking trails. The labyrinth is a great bouldering experience through awesome rock formations and a vertical climb up a ladder at the Lemon Squeeze section. There is also a lake for swimming and boating, or you can just stroll through the flower gardens. 

New Paltz has a laid-back feel to it but it is far from being a trip for the lazy or lethargic. You will walk a lot in New Paltz. The main street has a lot of smaller back streets and alleys with cool little shops and gallery’s. The weather was perfect…warm with an occassional breeze that let you know Autumn was right around the corner. I turned a corner and there she was. I hadn’t seen Autumn in almost twenty years.  We had met at the Raliegh Hotel in the Catskills when we were both twelve years old. A difficult age full of questions and a yearning for adult pleasures. She was there for the weekend with her Orthodox Jewish parents and I was their with my religiously mixed dysfunctional family.

The kids took part in sporting events and contests with the counselors. I met her at the starting line for a 200 yard dash. I was the fastest kid in my school so I had no doubts I would crush everyone in this event. A counselor named Ira whined the word “Go” and we were off. As I predicted I blew everyone away. Autumn had taken a nasty spill just short of the finish line. I turned around and she was on the ground holding her foot. I came over and asked if she was okay. “I’m fine,” she snapped. I reached down to help her up but instead of taking my hand she asked, ” What are you doing? I said I’m fine you stupid douche-bag”. She stood up, shoved me, and I was in love. We started walking and I turned to her and said, “You’re a stupid douche-bag”. She laughed as she grabbed my hand.

It was one of the most memorable weekends of my life. I asked Autumn what she was doing in New Paltz and she told me she was just visiting for the day. She told me about her life. Two divorces and no kids. She worked in finance and had done very well for herself. She was just as beautiful as she was when we first met. Her smile was an easy one and her ripped jeans made you feel comfortable. She was the one that got away. We talked for hours and didn’t even realize that the sun had faded and nightfall was easing its way into its usual place. She gave me her phone number and told me to call but I knew I never would. It’s not easy to recapture old feelings, especially after all of these years. She had been through a couple of messy divorces that left her battered and bruised. My life had taken a similar path without the mess.

As we walked away in opposite directions I looked down at the note she had given me with her number on it. It read, “At 12, you were the best man I had ever known and you haven’t changed at all. I have never forgotten you. If you want to find me, you will”. There was no phone number. I smiled as I walked to my truck and thought, ” She was the coolest chick I had ever met and she hadn’t changed at all”. Next post: Searching for Autumn…tune in…you will not want to miss what happens.

Cynical You Say?

I gave someone my blog address early yesterday and after reading it they told me that they found it to be very cynical. They had just read the “Nasty Letters” post and were basing their opinion purely on that one piece. I guess if they felt that if they read on it would be more of the same. They obviously did not read past that piece.

 While I enjoy comments and responses on my posts I feel that before people write they should have some clue as to what they are saying. The Nasty Letters piece was clearly set up with the explanation that “Every once in a while we need to write a nasty letter to someone”. Every once in a while.  It was meant to be a little cynical based on the reason for writing the nasty letter in the first place. It was also meant to be humorous. Perhaps some people didn’t get that or simply don’t have a sense of humor…or don’t share my sense of humor…which means they don’t have a sense of humor.

As I approach my 100th post I am still surprised when someone simply doesn’t get my postings. Doesn’t get me. Can’t see me… doesn’t hear me. Then why read my posts? You could spend your time more usefully by attending your weekly Klan meetings, going to the bathroom, or simply staring out into space.  Maybe a post about Nasty Letters could be construed as a little negative. I thought the word “Nasty” in the title would imply that. What about my post on Nurses? The little homeless girl and her dad in Baltimore? I have plenty of happy shiny posts on this site. I also have plenty of funny, thought-provoking and intelligent posts as well. My style of writing is just that…my style. My way of narrating through life’s obstacles, miracles, and kicks in the nuts. My posts have been republished in Great Britain, Australia and Japan, where by the way,  I am now huge. So to the person who told my blog was cynical I say:

Dear Swine,

Thank you for expressing your opinion on my blog. I always like to hear constructive criticism from intelligent people. You may not have as much of an opportunity as I do for intelligent encounters working the shoe return counter at the bowling alley so I will not be too critical of your misuse of the word “Cynical” in referring to my blog. The blog was about nasty letters and their need in life from time to time. Not a nasty letter from the Unibomber as you eluded. Do you have any clue what the word cynical even means? Obviously not…because you are an imbecile. You are the type of person who uses the word “basically” over and over in a conversation to show your intelligence when in fact you are once again proving that every time you open your mouth something stupid comes out.  So in parting I would suggest that you get yourself a thesaurus so that you don’t insult anybody else’s intelligence unless you’d like to continue in your quest for functional illiteracy. Just for the record “Cynical” means  “contemptuously distrustful of human nature and motives”. My Nasty Letters were written in response to cynical people.  I’m sure you knew that.

Nasty Letters Part I

Every once in a while we need to write a nasty letter to someone. I have found within myself an uncanny ability to produce some of the nastiest mean-spirited letters anyone could ever get. Even my friends would ask me to write nasty letters for them. I was a natural. Put me in coach, I’m ready to write.  Most are never sent, they are my warm up letters. They are the the letters I would like to send but due to social standards, the potential for a restraining order, and some well deserved jail time they stay in my archives where nobody will ever see them…until now. I will provide a narrative to set up the purpose of my letter. They were all written to people that either crossed the line, severly pissed me off, or friends that I just wanted to fuck with. The names have been kept the same to protect nobody.

This was to Linda a woman I became friendly with at the gym. She was a school teacher and couldn’t meet a nice guy. After her complaining on the treadmill next to me I wrote her this…and yes I gave it to her…she loved it.

Hey Linda,

                    So you want to question the good and evil of human nature once again. According to our conversation at the gym and judging from that annoying eye twitch you felt as though someone had attempted to manipulate you in a negative way. Manipulation is always negative and is the self-serving life battleplan of cowards and conquerors. Unfortunately we all fit into one of those battleplans ourselves, and on a daily basis. We may, in our own defense of all the beauty and good we believe we possess, erroneously disagree. Well then the human race needs to collectively get their heads out of their asses and feel the painful slap of reality across their faces. I believe that we are all being manipulated in one from or another and are doing likewise to others. The best we, as self-proclaimed demagogues can hope for is basic decency. That’s right. Old-fashioned decency. Good is a little too over the top isn’t it? History shows us that anyone who we ever held in our hearts and minds as a good person has invariably turned out to be a decent person who was known for a few good deeds. George Washington owned slaves. Although Lincoln freed the slaves, he openly said that blacks were an inferior race and should never vote, hold public office, serve as jurors, or intermarry with whites. These were two decent men flawed by the same stupid narrow-minded notions as the rest of us. They are famous for their deeds, not their human nature.  

When you ask yourself, “why people do bad things to others”? The answer is simple, because they want something. Anymore brain teasers Dr. Molecule? Listen to everything you say to someone for just a few minutes and see if you’re any different than they are. My advice, forget good, shoot for decency and settle for moments of greatness. You’ve had plenty of those.

If you chose to disassociate with everyone who ever attempted to manipulate you, as you said you would do, you’d be a very lonely and horny person. Please do not waste anymore of my precious gym-time pondering and even worse, discussing the nature of good and evil with me. I need to be primal and attack the workout with all engines firing. Just talk about sex like everyone else and you won’t get your feelings hurt. I hope this helped straighten your ass out. I on the other hand am actually stupider for having written this letter. 

Here is a thought from Thomas Hobbes, in my opinion it kind of says it all:

Man gives indifferent names to one and the same thing from the difference of their own passions; as they that approve a private opinion call it opinion; but they that mislike it, heresay: and yet heresay signifies no more than private opinion.

 

Cool shit, huh?

Richard  11/29/98

This one was written to a douche-nozzle named Doug who questioned my morality.  He proved to be very uninformed and had the worst hairpiece I’ve ever seen.

Dear Doug,

                    We just hung up the phone and I wanted to write this letter while the venom was still freshly flowing through my veins. I really don’t know where to begin. The issue of my morality? Or perhaps your soliloquy on the simple man you are who lives a simple life. If it weren’t for the fact that my instincts told me you’re nothing but a cancerous lesion on the ass of humanity it would have brought me back in time to the simple beauty of Walden Pond. But let’s face it, your no Henry David Thoreau and your life as a low rent snake eater is anything but simple. One of the worst aspects of bouncing in a bar is listening to pompous assholes like you spitting out regurgitated paraphrases you read in a business magazine in your proctologist’s waiting room. As the last one picked for teams in gym class you eventually found salvation in your post non-glory days as the man most likely to show you his financial statement at town picnics. Local boy makes good installing lightbulbs. Between that auspicious reputation and one of the most insulting hairpieces I’ve ever seen you are a psuedo-champion amongst the toothless locals of Lincoln Park. I’m actually angry with myself for wasting even a second to harbor these thoughts of you and wasting even more time writing them down. I will therefore summarize, take your stocks, your simplicity, your hairpiece and your better than thou attitude and shove them up your twat. I mean a spineless little money sniffing parasitic piece of worm shit like you can’t possibly have a pair of nuts. I can only hope to run into you someday so I can take the hair you took off a cabbage patch kid and glued to your cranium and toss it on the ground and kick it like a soccer ball. When the others join in and enjoy kicking your hairpiece you will still be the last one picked because you are riding shotgun on the short bus through life, and you always will.

This one was written to the CEO of an inline skating company called V-Formation. Mt friend Ted worked for them as an executive and was trying to raise venture capitol. I wrote this letter after my meeting with Ted. It was sent.

Dear Rich,

                  It was a dubious pleasure to see you again. I was quite impressed with  V Formations explosive growth. That is no doubt due to the photographs I shot about two years ago, and despite your employing Ted Ellenis as your financial counsel. I have met with Ted on a few occasions to discuss acquiring venture capital for your company. Unfortunately the conversations took an ugly yet foreseeable turn for the worse when Ted felt that his mind numbing dribble about his foray into the blind dating shark pool was more important than the future of your business. After consuming a rather large quantity of pure grain alcohol through a bendy straw Ted proceeded to insult my intelligence further by attempting to commiserate with me. I can’t comprehend what sparkle of gray matter matriculating in his cerebrum convinced him that we shared a common attitude on matters of the heart. He sat there like the half-crazed hermaphrodite lover that he is and attempted to bond with me like two old Jewish women sitting in a coffee shop speaking in between bites of Danish and sips of Sanka.  I assure you that the graphic image I have painted does not do the moment justice. It was truly one of the most pathetic cries for help I have ever witnessed.  I’m sure you see this sort of behavior daily. I realize that you are a man of substance and strong fiber. A man who relishes loyalty above all.  For that reason I can understand why you haven’t dismissed Ted. Loyalty is a  trust that you put in people. That’s what Ted told me as he charged some stereo equipment on the company credit card. By the way thanks for dinner and the tank of gas. In closing I would like to request that you pass my name along to one of your qualified subordinates to complete the job that Ted started. He cancelled quite a few appointments at the last moment recently. He mentioned something about selling some skates out of the trunk in his car in Newark. I appreciate your immediate attention to this matter and await your reply.   

 Richard

Part II Coming Tomorrow. Come on back. Bring a friend.

No Smoking You Idiot

Many states have passed legislature to ban smoking in public buildings. Well its about time. I understand that smokers have rights but so do the people affected by them through secondary smoke inhalation. Sitting in the “Non Smoking” Section is a waste since the “Smoking” section is literally 5 feet away. I could never understand how someone could light up a cigarette after eating a good meal. Smokers have told me that there is nothing like lighting up after a good meal. So there is my answer. Either the cigarette smoke makes the meal taste better or the meal makes the cigarette taste better. Hey why not just take a nicotine patch and heat wrap it around a cigarette and smoke it. Double the tar, double the nicotine, double the pleasure.

Cigarette ads have always targeted the younger consumer. When I was a kid, who didn’t want to be the Marlboro Man? Handsome, rugged, and of course a smoker. He was telling you that real men smoke and if you don’t start smoking as a teen, you’ll probably end up being gay. With all those cigarettes he smoked on that horse can you imagine how many burn marks are on the back that horse’s head? If that horse didn’t die of lung cancer he would have probably killed the Marlboro Man…throw him and break his spine. As it turns out the Marlboro Man died before the horse. Joe Camel read his eulogy. It was touching with a lot of coughing.

Now buildings have outside smoking sections which is more or less right next to the exit door. So as you enter an office building you get to walk through a thick fog of carcinogenic smoke. Its pretty and all…but deadly. I have to give it to smokers. They are a tough bunch. They know the risks and still they spit some kind of brownish phlegm-like saliva with traces of lung blood in the face of danger. I mean there is a poison sign on the box and a warning from the Surgeon General and it does not scare them at all. They must see something through the oxygen tent that the rest of us don’t. They attribute to the draining of the health care system because they refuse to quit. They’re addiction will ultimately result in higher health care costs for themselves which affects all of us.

What can we as non-smokers do to express our resentment to the privileges afforded to smokers that are slowly killing the rest of us, both physically and financially? When you see someone light up just smack it out of their mouth. Claim that you work for the “Clean Air Police” and confiscate the rest of their cigarettes. Yeah, you’ll probably get the shit beat out of you but isn’t a broken nose worth it to breathe clean air? I mean once your nose heals and they remove the blood-clotted cotton packing. I remember when I was a kid seeing police cars stop teens in the road if they were smoking. They got in trouble and were punished by their caring chain-smoking parents.

People have often pondered what will cause the downfall of mankind. A nuclear war, a race war, a war over religious differences? No,  I think it will be the cigarette wars. Smokers versus non-smokers for world dominance. The non-smokers will eventually win. They have the endurance to fight a long war. It will be costly though. The smokers have the guts to fight until they are killed by the ravages of war or the ravages of cancer. I have seen the future in the cigarette smoke. Today the life you save may be your own so remember… Save a life-Slap a smoker.

Looking Through My Journals

I was looking through my journals and found some interesting pieces. Interesting to me because I wrote them. I’ve been keeping journals since I was 12 years old. Poems, stories, daily activities, ransom notes, suicide notes, phone numbers, meetings, etc. This particular journal was written when I was about 35 years old. I was working at Equinox in Manhattan as a personal trainer. Its cool to look back and see appointments I had with clients like William Baldwin, Deandra Douglas( Michaels Ex), Mark Gastineau, Steve Martin and a host of other famous and near famous people. Here are some entries in that journal. They are not in any order of importance because none of them are important.

8/24/94 Went to see the eagles at Giants Stadium…incredible show…had a great time…I went with Rick. He whined until I bought him ice cream. Because of his shitty attitude he did not get sprinkles. Don’t mess with me!

3/30/94   Clyde ran away. I opened the door and he just bolted out. I don’t think he knows its my birthday. If he does he’s not letting on.  

4/5/94   1ST day at Equinox- saw Adrian Zmed there. The guy from Bachelor Party.

4/13/94   Trained Billy Baldwin today. Nice guy. Stretched him and worked on flexibility. Got my first client. Her name is Sharon Cosimano. Mad excellent!

5/30/94 Memorial day Weekend   Wildwood. Saw Starship, Kansas, Blue Oyster Cult. Met Jillian. She’s an artist.

6/24/94  You know you’re in love when… a phone conversation. Him: I was thinking about you today. Her:(in a cutesy voice little voice) Good things or bad things? Him: Bad things. I was thinking about taking you out for a long drive in the desert, killing you and leaving your body for the vultures.

6/27/94    Met Connie today at the gym. Shes beautiful beyond words. Half Cherokee Indian and half something else…very exotic looking. She is in Les Miserables…dancer. Amazing legs. She was very forward about wanting to get to know me.  I hope she’s not crazy because she’s so hot.

7/18/94    Had a date with Shiba today. I really wanted to touch her hair. Dreadlocks are so interesting. Got back to her apartment and I asked if I could touch her hair. She stood up and kissed me and said go ahead. Great kisser. The hair felt like it looks. Not sure what I was expecting it to feel like.

Wrote this after multiple pro athletes were being arrested for one reason or another:

All My Heroes Are in Jail

All my heroes are in jail…awaiting trials…held without bail…photo lights bursting…reporters thirsting…they caught touchdowns…stood over knockdowns…circled bases…won races… enter the courtroom with jackets over their faces…after the last game…the final season…forgotten fame…life without reason…no endorsements…out of shape…the football greats double homicide…the champ charged with rape…Mr. Hustle betting on games…laywers cutting deals…the DA wants names…your long-time-agent doesn’t answer his phone…an eight foot cell is your stadium…no applause when you’re all alone.

8/28/94  A woman killed herself today by throwing herself in front of an Amtrak train. There have been two train crashes in the past week. If she wanted to die she didn’t have to jump in front of a train. Just ride on one.

8/29/94  Everything has become so automated. I called the suicide hotline today and got a voice menu. If I was going to kill myself with a gun, press 1, knife…press 2, sleeping pills…press 3, jump off building…press 4, all other methods of suicide should press 5. I went with gun first. Then it wanted to know what caliber gun I was going to use. 38 special…press 1…44 magnum…press 2. So I switched to sleeping pills. Please enter the number of sleeping pills you have taken and then press the pound sign. So I decided to take the phone and just bash my own brains out with it. Got a nasty cut. Still alive.

9/8/94  Met Romana from Czech Republic. Very pretty and cool accent.

9/9/94  Romana is teaching me to speak Czech. I asked to learn how to say: Lets make love which is…Pojd se milovat…and the other phrase I wanted to know is: leave me alone which is… Dej mi pokoj.  She asked if there were any other phrases I would like to know. Those two will be more than enough.

9/9 94 Teaching Romana english conversation. Today she learned: Richard is great. Richard is handsome. Richard is king. I love Richard. She’s a fast learner and has a great ass.

Well that’s some of what was going on in my life during the swinging nineties. Hundreds of phone numbers. Most with women’s names that I can no longer put a face to. A little sad. By the way our anniversary is coming up. This is my 95TH post. I’m almost at the big 100. That is a milestone. Especially for someone with my attention span. So please send comments, ideas, your own stories, experiences, etc. This blog needs feedback you lazy turd nuggets. Do your fucking part would you. My next post will feature a Nasty Letters segment highlighting some of the letters I’ve written to people who pissed me off over the years. Some are truly classic.

The Consequence of Truth

I’m sorry for my recent delay in posting. I’ve been very busy and haven’t had a chance to sit down and let the magic flow. I realize that when I began blogging again I promised that I’d post regularly so that people know what the hell is going on in the world. It was obviously an empty promise. Besides if I don’t get out and see American life first hand how can I write about how fucked up it is? So don’t get angry, get reading.

I’ve been accused of having a negative twist on my blogs. Negative you say? Why is the truth construed as negative? Why is it that people love the truth as long as it’s what they want to hear? Nobody wants to hear bad news, especially if its about them. People generally don’t tell the truth for two reasons. It will either get them in trouble or it will hurt someones feelings. Lying to get out of, or stay out of trouble seems like a good idea at the time. That is until you get caught. Getting caught in a lie as a child or teen is embarrassing. It’s a good thing age and juvenile stupidity are taken into consideration. Getting caught in a lie as an adult is a little more complicated. It changes the relationship forever.

I know I’ve been lied to in the recent past. Funny, because it was unnecessary. The truth would have set both parties free. That is what the truth does. In friendships and relationships a lie is pretty much the touch of death for most people. It can not be undone. Some may be able to move past it and continue down the road but most will likely hold some kind of grudge. 

Is it better to lie in order to spare someones feelings? Perhaps but then you’re perpetuating more lies. Nobody likes to be rejected or told that their feelings are not reciprocated. By lying what you are really saying is that you are so amazing and wonderful that being rejected by you is a fate worse than death. Enough about you, lets talk more about you.

I recently watched a movie called 500 Days of Summer. I thought it was excellent. The synopsis is that a guy meets a super cool girl who says she never wants to ever get married. She also doesn’t want to put a label on the relationship like “girlfriend”. She simply wants to enjoy his company with no strings and no promises. They truly have a great time together. A perfect couple in my opinion. Two people who were meant to be together.  He is a great guy who you wind up feeling bad for because he falls in love with her and ultimately gets dumped. Heartbroken he searches the past 500 days of his relationship with Summer. That’s her name, you thought it was a season as the title depicts didn’t you?  Nope, Summer is her name. She was sending all the right signals but she never committed or changed her position on marriage or getting serious with him.

After she broke it off he ran into her a few months later. She was getting married. Wow, what a mind-fuck. He thought that he had met his one and only and that she was perfect for him. Apparently her husband to be had other plans. To be honest it pissed me off. He was great for her. They were great together. What a waste of unrequited love. He thought he could win her over. He was wrong and it shattered him into pieces. He couldn’t grasp the fact that while he thought she was the one, she did not feel the same way. Interesting because as amazing as she was, he would get over it. He met someone at the end of the movie. Her name was Autumn. Here we go again…sequel.

So what does the movie have to do with lying? Loosen up your Huggies, I’m getting to that. She was honest and up front with him from the start. Yeah, he got burned at the end but it was his own fault. He didn’t want to see the truth. He was blinded by love and it clouded his perception of the truth.

Far too many people avoid the truth, both telling it and hearing it. That is where the hurt comes in. If someone does not share my feelings, or their feelings have changed than they should just tell it like it is. What are you afraid of? That they will be so devastated over losing you that they’ll find the closest building and jump off?  I don’t want to burst your double-bubble but no matter how phenomenal and unique you think you are, you are more than capable of being forgotten and written off by someone else. Life goes on and that is the real truth.

Well I’m glad we got that straightened out. Now I’m off to the new gym I joined for two hours of heavy lifting and mind-blowing cardio. Okay, that’s a lie…more like 1/2 hour of light to moderate lifting and no cardio whatsoever. I’ve been asked to be on a fitness magazine cover so I’m working my ass off for the photo shoot. I want to look buff and diesel for the pics. I’ll post them when they are done. Peace out!