Sorry…(read the post below first…just do it!!)

Hi Friends…hope you enjoyed my little joke post about being rich now…I’m such a nut huh? Glad you all knew it was a joke.

So what’s new in my life? Well all of my bank accounts seem to have been wiped out. Hey, it’s just money right? The bank can’t seem to give me any information yet because apparently my identity has also been stolen. I will give you all an update after I get my computer back from DELL…It seems whomever stole my credit made some big purchases and since they don’t know who they are, a repossession of my PC is in order. No worries though, I least I still have my laptop.

Keep smiling. You are all wonderful intelligent people. Just got an e-mail. The bastards want the laptop too.

I’m Rich Now So I’m Outta Here Losers

Hey there loyal “edgewisdom” readers…both of you. Hi Mom. Well its been a lot of fun writing this blog for you social lepers but I just found out that I have been given a huge sum of money so you can all bite me. No more writing this stupid blog. No more reading your ridiculous letters and comments. No more nasty comments by all of the people, organizations, religions, races, creeds, political imbeciles, and retards I’ve insulted in the past. Keep in mind I would still like to insult you but I’ll be rich when I’m doing it which makes it more fun…for me I mean. For you it will obviously suck.

If there is one thing you may have garnered while reading many of my posts is that I have an innate and uncanny ability to filter out bullshit and those that throw it. When I got the e-mail from a gentleman from the Ivory Coast telling me of his problem inheriting 40 million dollars from his recently departed father I was sceptical. When I wrote  back he seemed delighted that I would help him get his money out of the country. I could almost hear his honesty through his written words. After providing him with my account number, routing number, pin number and social security number I should be receiving my money wire in just a few minutes.

So losers…I’m signing off for the last time. Now you can all go pick cat hair out of your TV dinners and watch yourself starve for the highly intelligent sail-right-over-your-head narratives on the human condition I have provided for you for so many thankless years. You make me sick!

Emmett: “I Love You, I’ll Kill You”

My Jack Russell puppy Emmett is the cutest most adorable thing you’ve ever seen and on most days I threaten to kill him at least 4-5 times. I know that sounds horrible and I’d never actually do it, but it has become the cornerstone of our relationship. When I first saw him in that cage I was heartbroken. He was the last of the litter to be given a home…all of his brothers and sisters had been taken. I didn’t get it. He had perfect coloring, great symmetry, a brown patch around one eye, and an amazing personality. I simply had to have him. What I didn’t know at the time is that he was a con dog…a grifter. I had been taken…emotionally fleeced by satan’s pet sent to earth to test my fortitude. Keep in mind that as I am writing this post the little shit is chewing the power cord to my laptop. My only fear is that I lose power and the word never gets out about my impending demise from insanity. He’s watching…he’s always watching.

At 6 months, 3 powers cords chewed, 2 bed sheets destroyed, one peed-on carpet that should be burned and have its ashes buried next to Jimmy Hoffa ( I think Emmett may know where he is), speaker cords, my iPod, 1 cell phone, 2 bluetooth’s or is it blueteeth in plural? Not to mention his “problem” with crapping in the snow. He obviously prefers grass…or the carpet, or my guitar case, or in my closet. He is just a special little treat that brings surprises each and every day. Just this past weekend he swallowed something that got caught in his throat which required a visit to the vet which necessitated me sitting in the waiting room for about three hours that resulted in a happy groggy puppy and a six hundred dollar vet bill. Fucking dog only cost five hundred!

I’m often asked if Emmett was a rescue. The answer is yes, he rescued me. I suppose I needed someone to take care of and he needed someone to make miserable. He has made my life difficult in so many ways I can not begin to list them. Yet every morning he comes up by my face and lays across my head…burrows under my neck as he turns belly up and rubs against me. His puppy breath is intoxicating so early in the morning and he works his magic on me. It is early and I love him…while knowing that at some point in the day I will threaten to kill him.