I wish every day in life was like biting into a york peppermint patty where you get the sensation that you are on top of a mountain. Of course if you are on vacation in Aruba wearing a pair of shorts and a Hawaiian shirt, biting into a York Peppermint Patty could end up as hypothermia and then eventually frostbite followed by a lonely mountaintop death. It’s all about being in the right place at the right time. Candy aside, the same can be said for dating. If you have come to a point where the bar scene is no longer one of your hunting grounds you become limited to possibilities of meeting “The One”…or at least, “The Next One” on your conga-line of potential suitors. That is where, once again, the internet has come in handy. Internet dating has become the new platform for meeting Mr. or Ms.’s right.
I will not confirm nor deny any allegations that I have dipped my foot into the cyber-cesspool of online dating. All I can say is that I have done some research on the subject. Very painful research. A few horrific dinners. Met a control-top panty parade of psychos, yoga freaks, granola girls, biker chicks, corporate climbers, drama queens, tree huggers, puppy lovers ( yes, I know my dog is cute), truth-seekers, lie detectors, heartbreakers, knee-jerkers, mommy dearests, 12 steppers, mistrusters, integrity questioners, and intellectual inchworms.
My profile was quite honest and sincere….I mean…If I had a profile, it would have been honest and sincere. Apparently too honest and too sincere which became grounds for responders to question my integrity based on their prior experiences. You know, all men are the same and we only want one thing. Well for me that one thing is pizza. I’m not sure if that’s what they were referring to though. I have re-written my profile to make myself seem a little more ordinary…because that seems to be something most women can wrap their minds around. I mean everyone should be looking for mediocrity when it comes to romance. Easy to find, easy to maintain, and no big loss if it ends. Here’s my new and unimproved profile.
Semi-Attractive Dishonest Male Seeks Attractive Doormat
I am a grossly over-weight man looking for a strong woman. You will need to be strong when I call at 3AM for you to come pick me up from whatever strip club I’m too drunk to drive home from. Your ability to overlook the strong smell of hooker spit and cigarettes permeating from every pore of my body is essential for us to have an amazing relationship based on my needs. I will always respect you by never hitting you in public and never with a closed fist. I was raised better than that. Nights that I actually do come home will be filled with cans of domestic beer, pork rinds, and cinemax on demand. Me, you, my favorite wife-beater t-shirt, some brewskies…a little slice of blue-collar heaven.
I do not take illegal drugs since the prescribed ones are working just fine for me. If I ever pass out while clipping my toe-nails into an empty beer can don’t worry, it usually lasts just a few days. I have never been convicted of a felony…always aquitted by reason of insanity. They had a hard time disproving the insanity after a shrink said I suffered from multiple personalities. I’m not sure how many personalities I have since three of them only speak spanish and I have no idea what they are saying. I have an imaginary friend but he hates me now so he hangs out with the guy across the street. So there is room in my life for one special lady. Are you here? If not do you know where she is buried? I await the plethora of replies that I’m sure will fill my inbox like so many York Peppermint Pattys…
Wisdom of the EDGE 