Yeah, yeah…I know, I haven’t posted for a while. I’ve been laid up with a back injury whose subsequent intolerable pain would send most mortal men looking for a gun and a quiet place to put an end to the misery. Good thing I didn’t do that because it is finally getting better just in time for the holidays. As with every holiday season I am torn between commercialism and pessimism. I could go on about how it’s not about gifts but about the holiday spirit…but I won’t. I want gifts! Expensive gifts. Big gifts. Small gifts…as long as they are expensive of course. Just give me gifts damn it. Since most of you do not know what I want I have been kind enough to provide a list below of some ideas so you don’t get me something I won’t like and I won’t have to pretend that I do…which is embarrassing for both of us.
First I will start with the gifts I don’t want…so if I happen to give you something nice and you have a prepared Dollar Store “courtesy” gift tastefully wrapped in last years holiday paper you can forget it.
- The Hickory Farms Meat and Cheese Assortment…Nothing says “triple bypass” like this little beauty. The wonderful wheel of cheese surrounded by some phallic shaped mystery meat and some wheat thins that even someone on death row wouldn’t eat before their execution. What brings it all together is that shitty green cellophane fake easter basket grass acting as a blanket for all of those health products.
- A star named after me. Really? Why not just get yourself a Wacky Waving Inflatable Arm Flailing Tube Man and make it your new best friend because this one just left building…so I can go outside with my fucking telescope and look at my star. Oh there it is!! Right next to that other person’s star. I hope they aren’t Jewish.
- A gift certificate for a half-day at a spa. Oh that sucks! It would suck anyway but to add insult to ignorance you buy me a “half-day”? Couldn’t spring for a whole day huh? That’s cool…I’ll probably need the second half of the day to recover from the colon-cleanse and to clean my ass after the mud bath…or was that a colon bath and a mud cleanse? I certainly hope you enjoy the 1/2 bottle of wine I got you. It will go well with the one earing, watch with no band, and left shoe you can expect to get. Have a happy half christmas.
- Something you made yourself. Wow…with your own little hands you made me something special. What a special way to tell me that you don’t have a debit card. Unless you’re a freaking Rembrandt or under the age of ten…forget it.
- A puppy. It is well known that I love dogs. Having said that I am the type who likes to pick out his own dogs. What you may think is cute and cuddly I may think is hideous and future roadkill. Sure there is nothing like waking up Christmas Morning to find a cute little puppy basking in the warm glow of the flickering lights…two hours later you have a four pound piss and shit machine tearing up everything in the house and eating out of the garbage…but even that stupid little puppy is too smart to eat that fucking Hickory Farms Meat and Cheese Assortment that I told you not to get me anyway.
Okay…Now to the stuff I do want
It’s quite simple this year…while I may jest about wanting large and expensive gifts, what I really want is the following…
- I want the lady in front of me at the shop rite check-out to have her credit card or checkbook ready when the cashier tells her the total. Waiting until the last second, digging into that bottomless abyss that is your flea-market purchased Lius Vuitton knock-off pocketbook and acting like you had no clue that this process was going to take place…as it has countless times before…makes everyone wait just a little longer and makes you an oblivious half-wit.
- Tell the guy filling my gas tank that the “click” noise means my tank is now full and I’d like to leave. He probably didn’t hear the click since he is yelling into his cell phone to somebody in the old country…like Hamas or Hezbollah. I need to start going to a different Gas Station sleeper cell.
- Tell the person responsible for all of the internet headlines that read…” Experts Baffled By New Discovery “…to just stop it already. If you’re “Baffled” then you’re not a freaking expert so shut up until you are no longer baffled.
- Tell the good people at “Planet Fitness” that their gym blows. Their image is based on being a “No Judgement” environment. The first thing you see is a huge sign calling anyone that wears a tank top, carries a jug of water and lets out even the slightest of grunts while lifting… A LUNK! Isn’t calling someone a Lunk judging them? Perhaps the free Tootsie-Rolls they give out more than make up for their staff’s nasty attitude and their concentration-camp style of rules and regulations. I was a member of the Pompton Lakes gym so I can not attest to how crappy the others are…just that one.
- Finally I want to make sure that I live long enough to see the youngest Kardashian sister walk down the aisle in her fake marriage. Come on here people…this is a show about absolutely nothing…if you want to piss away an hour of your time on mindless dribble put out by some self-defacing moron…just read my blog. Happy Holidays to everyone!…that reads my blog…
Wisdom of the EDGE 